Date:         Fri, 17 Nov 2000 02:43:34 -0000
Reply-To:     John P <jmp@BT-PACIFIC.CO.NZ>
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From:         John P <jmp@BT-PACIFIC.CO.NZ>
Subject:      Its Friday!!   US Presidential Result (at last)
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"

This is doing the rounds in the UK and found its way to New Zealand
If you are easily offended do not continue....
Remember it is a joke.......

Subject: US Presidential Result (at last)


 To the citizens of the United States of  America...

 In the light of your failure to elect a  President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give  notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective  today.

 Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II  will resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths and  other territories. Except
Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new  prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you  who have until now been unaware that there
is a world outside your  borders) will appoint a minister for America
without the need for  further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded.

 A questionnaire will be circulated  next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.

 To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,  the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
 Dictionary.

 Then look up "aluminium" . Check the pronunciation  guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been  pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

 Look up "vocabulary". Using the same  twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like"  and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of  communication. Look up "interspersed" .

2. There  is no such thing as "US English" . We will let
Microsoft know on  your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
 accents. It really isn't that  hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
 actors as the good guys.

 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save
 The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not
 want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is  only one
 kind of football. What you refer to as American football  is not a very
 good game.
 The 2.15% of you who  are aware that there is a world outside
 your borders may have  noticed that no one else plays American"
 football. You will no  longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
 play proper football.

  Initially, it would be best if you played with the  girls. It is
 a difficult game.

 Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
 rugby  (which is similar to American football, but does not involve
 stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
 armour  like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
 sevens side by 2005.

 7. You should  declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
 weapons if they  give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware
 that there  is a world outside your borders should count yourselves
 lucky. The  Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for
 "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th  will be
 a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be  called
 Indecisive Day.

 9. All  American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
 for your  own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
 what we  mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's  been driving us crazy.

 Thank you for your  cooperation and welcome back to the
Commonwealth.