Date: Fri, 12 Jan 2001 20:12:55 -0500
Reply-To: Hector Zapata <hector.zapata@XRXGSN.COM>
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From: Hector Zapata <hector.zapata@XRXGSN.COM>
Subject: Only in America
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<hector.zapata@xrxgsn.com>
Date: Sunday, January 07, 2001 4:23 PM
Subject: Only in America
> ONLY IN AMERICA - NOTHING IS FUNNIER THAN THE TRUTH.
>
> 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your
> house faster than an ambulance.
>
> 2. Only in America......are there handicap
> parking places in front of a skating rink.
>
> 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the
> sick walk all the way to the back of the store to
> get their prescriptions while healthy people can
> buy cigarettes at the front.
>
> 4. Only in America......can a disabled combat veteran
> sleep in a box on the street while a draft dodgers
> sleeps in the white house.
>
> 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors
> open and then chain the pens to the counters.
>
> 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth
> thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
> our useless junk in the garage.
>
> 7. Only in America......do we use answering
> machines to screen calls, and then have call
> waiting so we won't miss a call, from someone
> we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
>
> 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in
> packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
>
> 9. Only in America......do we use the word
> 'politics' to describe the process so well:
> 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
> meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
>
> 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM
> machines with Braille lettering.
>
> In case you needed further proof that the human
> race is doomed through stupidity, here are some
> actual label instructions on consumer goods:
>
> 1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
> [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]
>
> 2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No
> purchase necessary. Details inside".
> [Evidently, the shoplifter special]
>
> 3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like
> regular soap." [And that would be how...?]
>
> 4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving
> suggestions:Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion]
>
> 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
> of box):"Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!]
>
> 6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will
> be hot after heating". [As sure as night follows the
> day ]
>
> 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes
> on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?]
>
> 8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not
> drive a car or operate machinery after taking =this
> medication. [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
> construction accidents if we could just get those
> 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]
>
> 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness"
> [One would hope]
>
> 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor
> or outdoor use only". [As opposed to what?]
>
> 11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used
> for the other use". [I gotta admit, I'm curious].
>
> 12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains
> nuts".[NEWS FLASH]
>
> 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
> "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
> [Step 3: Fly Delta]
>
> 14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this
> garment does not enable you to fly". [I don't
> blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]
>
>
>
>
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