Date: Fri, 12 Jan 2001 14:59:45 -0500
Reply-To: David Beierl <dbeierl@ATTGLOBAL.NET>
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From: David Beierl <dbeierl@ATTGLOBAL.NET>
Subject: Friday Lamentations
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Lamentations of the Father
(recent translations of newly discovered ancient scrolls by
the esteemed Dr.Ian Frazier. Ph.D. KBE)
Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may
eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and
of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color
and unknown provenance you may eat,but not in the living
room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal
treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yea, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room,
neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room
carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not
eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.
Laws When at Table (Lev. II 4:24)
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair
such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and
feet below you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the
table, for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show,
your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy
of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it
any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that
is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks
in the milk, and lick it off, verily, you will be sent
away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon
the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your
teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it
sounding even like a duck or a Philistine: for ye shall
be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you
have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother
or your sister what bounty is there within; I say to you,
do not so, even if your brother or your sister hath done
the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to
you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend,
for we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small
trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest,
because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side
or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid
away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will
go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said,
it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert (Lev II 4:32)
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the
plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean,
then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:
If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites
of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than
three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can
see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to
fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then
you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you
eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if
you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall
not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or
peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten
what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will
know, and you shall have no dessert.
On Screaming (Lev II 7:4)
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.
If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not
wish to touch each other are touching each other, your
voice rises up even to the heavens, while you point to
the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say
to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server,
that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every
piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and
the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in
vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint
unto death, make not that sound from within your throat,
neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your
nose. For even not I have made the fish as it should be;
behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands (Lev. II 7:12)
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your
eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off.
For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your
head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket of
your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and
other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to
behold. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give
each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and
also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I
do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I
have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. (Lev II 1:17)
Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath
water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if
it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not
against any building; nor eat sand. (Lev II 3:13)
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you
should so afflict it with tape? (Lev II 14:9)
And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand
between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me
to madness. (Lev II 14:18)
Nor forget what I said about the tape. (Lev II 14:11)
Complaints and Lamentations (Lev II 23:7)
O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you
what you must do, you argue and dispute hotly even to
the smallest detail; and when I do not accede, you cry
out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometime do you spit,
and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies that are
wickedness and vile to my ears, and hit and kick the wall
and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner.
And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to
the corner for more minutes than he has years of age, yet
I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger.
But upon being sent to the corner you ask straight-away,
"Can I come out?" and I reply, "No, you may not come out."
And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But
when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.
Hear me, O my children, for the bills they slay me as I
were a beast of the fields. I pay and pay again, even to
the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount
higher than before. For our health, that we may be covered,
I give six hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a year;
but even this covers not the fifteen hundred deductible
for each member of the family within a calendar year. And
yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for
many medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths.
Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for surely you
cannot know. For I will come to you at the first of the
month and at the fifteenth of the month with the bills
and a great whining and moan. And when the month of taxes
comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and
mourn with wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts. And
you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after,
and until you are
twenty-one or even until you leave this tent of your father.
Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of mine.
--
David Beierl - Providence, RI
http://pws.prserv.net/synergy/Vanagon/
'84 Westy "Dutiful Passage"
'85 GL "Poor Relation"
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