Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 12:02:19 -0500
Reply-To: Jennifer <ncc876@YAHOO.COM>
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From: Jennifer <ncc876@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: FRIDAY: How To Kill A Snake (NVC)
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" ; format="flowed"
This piece of hilarity showed up in the off topic area of
VWVortex.com some weeks ago. I find it hilarious.
I am working on another Friday Folly, but it's a bit more involved
and requires some arcane software futzing to make work, so it may not
be up til next week.
Does anyone think I should resume the weekly filksong?
---
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon
encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and
clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis
in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats
to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim
extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee
on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake
force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on
backorder.)
16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment,
delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter
and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and
misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of
snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too
overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover
etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech
snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes
and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well
on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines
or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake
builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor
wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.
22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20
seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command
Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the
potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing
grounds of professional courtesy.
25. Signal: Tries to communicate with snake...fail repeated attempts.
Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know
how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs
the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using
just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video conference
with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical
data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives
Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart
people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands
around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and
several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people
get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked
for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten.
--
-----
Jennifer - ncc876@yahoo.com
... knee-deep in the hoopla ...
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