Date: Fri, 20 Apr 2001 11:59:50 -0400
Reply-To: Hector Zapata <hector.zapata@XRXGSN.COM>
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From: Hector Zapata <hector.zapata@XRXGSN.COM>
Subject: Only in America (friday)
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ONLY IN AMERICA - NOTHING IS FUNNIER THAN THE TRUTH.
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your
house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap
parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the
sick walk all the way to the back of the store to
get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......can a disabled combat veteran
sleep in a box on the street while a draft dodgers
sleeps in the white house.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors
open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth
thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering
machines to screen calls, and then have call
waiting so we won't miss a call, from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in
packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word
'politics' to describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM
machines with Braille lettering.
In case you needed further proof that the human
race is doomed through stupidity, here are some
actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
[Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No
purchase necessary. Details inside".
[Evidently, the shoplifter special]
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like
regular soap." [And that would be how...?]
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving
suggestions:Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion]
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
of box):"Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!]
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will
be hot after heating". [As sure as night follows the
day ]
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes
on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?]
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not
drive a car or operate machinery after taking =this
medication. [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness"
[One would hope]
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor
or outdoor use only". [As opposed to what?]
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used
for the other use". [I gotta admit, I'm curious].
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains
nuts".[NEWS FLASH]
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
[Step 3: Fly Delta]
14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this
garment does not enable you to fly". [I don't
blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]
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