Date:         Fri, 23 Nov 2001 16:29:55 -0500
Reply-To:     georgejoann@JUNO.COM
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From:         George Jannini <georgejoann@JUNO.COM>
Subject:      Friday Humour
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii

A DIFFERENCE IN PHILOSOPHY

Each car maker on the planet has a different philosophy about How a
Car Should Be Put Together. Let's take a single case...

Let us say there is a single hypothetical panel in a hypothetical
car. As a baseline, a totally unbiased (and therefore, Martian)
engineer examines this cover and determines that it should be held in
place with five Phillips head (cross head) screws.

JAPAN: The Japanese would hold it down with exactly five .05c screws.
Boring, reliable, soulless, exactly what is needed.

UNITED STATES: For a long time, a US car's panel would be held on
with three screws. This has changed, and now not only does it have
five screws, all floor workers must have a communal decision as to
how many screws it needs, and have the ability to stop the line
entirely should a single screw be a funny color.

GREAT BRITIAN: As with the US, previously this car's panel would be
held on with three screws. Additionally, these screws would be
flathead style and made of Britishinium Metal, a mysterious alloy
that can rust sitting under six inches of oil. Nowadays all the car
companies have been sold to the US or Germany, so see those entries.

FRANCE: Only Americans would be so obnoxious as to think how a panel
is held on is important. Unions and employee pride are of far more
concern. Please come with us to strike for ten more weeks paid
vacation.

GERMANY: Every panel on every car is held on with precisely ten
aircraft grade titanium/tungsten alloy nuts and bolts torqued to
precisely 15.402 lbs-ft. Replacements are sold only in sets of 20,
and typically cost $350US. A German mechanic will explain to you, in
graphic detail, exactly what would happen should you use a "lower
quality" nut or bolt.

RUSSIA: Owing to parts shortages, each panel is welded in place.
A cutter costs 8,000,000,000,000,000 rubles (about $12.15 US), and
the official wait is approximately 28 months. However, a stranger
named "Igor" will sell you a cutter right away for $40 US (cash
only). You notice PROPERTY OF SOVIET ARMY scratched out on the side.

ITALY (Goes Fast approach): The Italian is somewhat
different. If the panel has something to do with making the car Go
Fast, it will be just like Germany's entry, with the addition that
every bolt head will have a beautiful logo cast into it.

ITALY (Everything Else): The Italian panel has no screws at all.
Rather, it is held in with a very clever arrangement of grommets,
snap rings, and C-clips so that it seems to be Part of the Car.
However, due to lack of testing, the rubber in the grommets rots in a
few years, and since the panel can only be removed with special tool
AR001.2399943.011034444.2.1.1, the rubber is hardly ever replaced and
so tends to rattle. Enthusiasts of this car will have endless debates
on the value of this panel, some will remove it, some will maintain
it religiously, and at least one author will write a book telling you
how to make a tool that will work out of a '73 GMC lug wrench.

SWEDEN: The panel in a Swedish car is held on with 25 screws.
Curiously, one has to put the car in reverse in order to remove it.

        George/ATL
        '89 Westy Wernher
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