Date: Fri, 22 Feb 2002 12:25:57 -0800
Reply-To: Walter Evens <wrevens@MYEXCEL.COM>
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From: Walter Evens <wrevens@MYEXCEL.COM>
Subject: Re: Some NVC to break things up a bit...
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
THANKS! My jaws and stomach hurt from laughing so much. And I have tears
running down my face. That was great.
Walter Evens
Hesperia, CA, USA
2-85 GLs
----- Original Message -----
From: "WVVW" <wvveedub@NETSCAPE.NET>
To: <vanagon@GERRY.VANAGON.COM>
Sent: Friday, February 22, 2002 11:20 AM
Subject: Some NVC to break things up a bit...
> For those of you who have lived in Texas or gone to one of these affairs,
you know how true this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the
time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot
at the Astrodome.
>
> INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE
>
> Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:
>
> "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon,
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicey, and besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
>
> Here are the score cards from the event:
>
> _________________________________________________________________________
>
> CHILI #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
>
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing Kick.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could have removed
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that is the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> _________________________________________________________________________
>
> CHILI #2 ARTHURS AFTERBURNER CHILI
>
> JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>
> FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face.
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
> CHILI#3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
>
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back: now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced with all this beer.
>
> _________________________________________________________________________
>
> CHILI#4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the beans. Good side dish for fish or
>
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. This stuff is just like nuclear waste.
>
> ________________________________________________________________________
>
> CHILI#5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
>
> _________________________________________________________________________
>
> CHILI #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
>
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I am worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me. Can't feel my lips anymore.
>
> _________________________________________________________________________
>
> CHILI #7 KICK ASS CHILI
>
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about JUDGE
THREE. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably
>
> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't
feel a damned thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lava-like sh*t to match
my damn shirt. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> _________________________________________________________________________
>
> CHILI #8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVER'S CHILI
>
> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicey enough to declare it's existence.
>
> JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild or hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Three passed out, fell over
and then pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he is
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really
hot chili?
> --
>
>
>
>
> __________________________________________________________________
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