Date: Fri, 1 Mar 2002 09:03:34 -0500
Reply-To: georgejoann@JUNO.COM
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From: George Jannini <georgejoann@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Friday Funnies
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
There are only ten things in this world you need to fix any motorcycle,
(or
most anything) any place, any time.
1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum
and
plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery,
insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy to carry package. Sure,
there's
a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concours competitions, but in the
real
world everything from Le Mans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets uses it
by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a
quarter and a phone booth.
2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire
twister, round off bolt heads, breaker-offer of frozen bolts, and
wiggle-it-till-it-falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox,
Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up
beyond repair. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors,
alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated
soaking of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be
removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is
the
infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it
cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.
4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the
bike looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you
knocked both off the seat, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics
consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use
the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck
the
butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.)
Unlike
air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a
time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack corroded
battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the
noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw
banging
power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made
in
India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and
wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up
version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a
hulking
mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian
rain
forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it
works both ways. When buying used bikes, subtract $ 100.00 for each zip
tie
under the tank.
7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee: Let's
admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting,
breaking,
splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver,
particularly
when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice
for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a
stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and
you
will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares? It's
guaranteed.
8. Baling Wire: Commonly known as BSA muffler brackets, baling wire
holds
anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not
recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never
replace it with the right thing again. Baling wire is a sentimental
favorite in some circles, particularly with BSA, Triumph, and other
single
and vertical twins set.
9. Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends
is technically known as a tie rod- end separator, but how often do you
separate tie ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than
medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue
force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed Nature doesn't know the
bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good
bonking
stick. (Can also be used to separate tie rod ends in a pinch, of course,
but does a lousy job of it).
10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth: See #1 above.
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