Date: Fri, 3 May 2002 21:33:41 -0500
Reply-To: Joel Walker <jwalker17@EARTHLINK.NET>
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From: Joel Walker <jwalker17@EARTHLINK.NET>
Organization: not likely
Subject: Re: Clam Flogging!! at the Court House, Tomorrow Night (long-ish)
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> > Hope those clams are virgins!
> >
> > (Would that be cherry clams????)
>
> If they're virgins, can we flog them!?!?!
boy, thar be some really sick people on this list!!!
i mean, think about it: flogging clams!!!?? you ever try to flog a
clam? or even an oyster?
how about a turtle ... it's just a clam with legs, fer crying out loud
... but the point is, all these little jobbers had HARD SHELLS!!! not
exactly the perfect target of flogging!!
nooooooo, flogging is for softshelled thingies like peoples, horses,
dogs, cats, mules, oxens, cows, and the occasional watermelons or, in
a pinch, cantaloupes.
the idea of flogging is to ...
(a) inflict pain
(b) induce the floggee to never even want to think about the
activities/actions/words that have brought him/her/it to this sorry
state of affairs. unless, of course, said floggee borders on the
masochistic side of crazy and just loves being flogged. in that case,
you're better off just burning them at the stake ... saves time and
money.
(c) get the flogger worked up into a veritable state of frenzey and
acute sexual excitement, culminating in a complete collapse of all
social restraints and responsibilities ... now THIS is what people
will pay to see. nothing like some father-raper or mother-stabber,
frothing at the mouth with carnal lust and depraved indifference to
bodily functions, whupping away to beat the
band/person/horse/dog/cat/mule/ox/cow/watermelon. i mean, there's
money to be made here, folks ...
(d) satisfy the perceived need of society to punish persons adjudged
as wrong-doers. as we all know, societies of all sizes just LOVE to
point fingers and signify some person or group as a wrong-doer ... an
outcast of society. even ancient biologists and anthropologists have
determined that to be the only reason humans are born with five
fingers: more to point at wrong-doers. to pick up stuff, we only need
three fingers. fer baseball and football, we only need four. but for
the designation of wrong-doers, it's hard to beat them five fingers.
:)
and now i ask you:
(a) - what pain do you think a clam is gonna feel? zero. nada. zilch.
i mean, first of all, it's got a hard shell. second of all, it's
hasn't got much of a brain ... anybody ever SEE a clam brain? makes a
B-B look gigantic!!
(b) - ever know a clam to feel bad about anything? ever know a clam to
DO anything worth feeling bad about?
(c) - ok, so the flogger could still get worked up about his job ...
but the fellows in the white coats are gonna be looking REALLY closely
at him. i mean, just imagine you walked up on some fellow on the
beach, just flogging away at a clam or even a bucket of clams; what
would YOU think??
(d) - kinda doubt that society really cares much about pointing
fingers at clams. eating them, maybe, but how many laws do you know
what punishes clams for anything? when's the last time you ever heard
of any clams being arrested?
so, based on the evidence presented heretofore, i think we can all
assume that flogging clams is a total waste of time and bandwidth. and
is likely to get you locked away somewhere in a room with a lot of
people that you really do NOT want to know about. unless you happen to
be someone who likes flogging clams ... in that case, they'll likely
put you in a room all to yourself; in a nice white padded jacket. with
looooooooong arms. that fasten in the rear.
see them clam-floggers, ain't they a peach?
flogging them clamshells, up and down the beach;
how to be a clam-flogger, ain't nothing to it ...
get yourself a whip and clam and flog it, flog it, flog it!
then there's the really sick ones ...
the frog floggers (say that fast, three times in a row)
the log floggers (perverts of the "I'm a Lumberjack" ilk)
the fog floggers (weathermen gone amuck)
the bog floggers (cranberry pickers deeply disturbed)
the cog floggers (engineers that slipped a gear or two)
the dog floggers (canine cavorting, strictly forbidden by the ASPCA
and AKC)
the hog floggers (perversion, southern style)
the jog floggers (not a real perversion: just fat people who haven't
sense enough not to jog in public)
but there's no sense in going into all those right now.
happy Fryedaye, Ffolkes. :)
unca joel