Date: Sun, 9 Feb 2003 00:24:52 -1000
Reply-To: Mick Kalber <redhotlava@HAWAII.RR.COM>
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From: Mick Kalber <redhotlava@HAWAII.RR.COM>
Subject: Glossary of Tool Functions
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sorry, I know it's not friday, but I needed to send these to the list. I
know some of you can relate...
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is used as a kind
of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are
trying to hit.
ELECTRIC DRILL:
Normally used for spinning rivets in their holes until you die of old
age, but it also works well for drilling mounting holes just above a fuel
line.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools based on the chaos principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads if nothing else is available, they can
also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
garage on fire.
WHITWORTH (Metric) SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British vehicles, they are now used
mainly
for impersonating that 9/16-inch or 1/2-inch socket for which you've
been
searching the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
drink
across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
were drying.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws the bolt somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch!"
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed
your new tires, trapping the jack handle firmly under the wheel.
EIGHT-FOOT-LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4:
Used for levering vehicle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.
TELEPHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
TROUBLE LIGHT:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a
good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise
found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to
consume 60-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells
might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to
round out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200
miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years
ago, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding the clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to cut hoses 1/2-inch too short.
Mick Kalber
Tropical Visions Video, Inc.
62 Halaulani Place
Hilo, Hawaii 96720
808-935-5557
808-935-0066 (fax)
redhotlava@hawaii.rr.com
http://www.volcanoscapes.com/
