Date: Thu, 20 Nov 2003 09:02:13 -0700
Reply-To: Bob Stevens <mtbiker62@HOTMAIL.COM>
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <firstname.lastname@example.org>
From: Bob Stevens <mtbiker62@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Re: one van for two people?
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
Women tend to be most sensitive to financial security, and I don't mean
they are money hungry, just sensitive to security, and $$$ is part of the
center of that. When that gets threatened, it often comes out sideways at
people, places, things and situations that represent a threat to that
security. Your van may seem that way right now.
Men tend to invest a lot of their feeling secure and comfortable to job and
work, a high priority. Also some of the relationships in that environment.
In this day and age these "tendencies" get blurred because roles are no
longer defined the way they used to be. Right now, however, it sounds like
you represent the "bread-winner" role and she is relying on you that way
because of her status as student. Makes the situation more volatile and
sensitive to security threat.
You've just moved to another location and are adjusting to that so you
don't have some of the familiar and secure environmental supports; you are
unemployed and likely "out of role" in that position; she's in school and
relying on you as the bread winner and this van likely seems impractical and
to be getting in the way of her security and an external, material object
that represents a cause of her anxiety. The van "appears" to get in the way
of her getting an education and feeling safe.
I don't know if the two of you know many people with similar interests
that you can "hang" with some of the time there, but if that can be
facilitated it may give an audience to some of the concerns you both have
while you adjust to your new circumstances. Sometimes the wisest thing to be
done is no-thing, but while that is going on being able to express your
concerns and anxiety, conflicts, etc., is the best medicine. It's possible
to likely that things external to each of you, look like the problem when
it's mostly about the feelings you are both having while in your current
circumstances. Making material changes may help, but also may not and when
that happens, it can make the situation and the 2 of you feel more hopeless
and overwhelmed, and like a big mistake. So, TALKING, and not just with each
other, about some of these frustrations and concerns, can help get that out
of the way so you can practice a little more of what attracted the two of
you to each other, know what I mean ;>)
Getting rid of the van may turn out to be an emotional anchor later, a
kind of resentment builder, for both of you. For you because she "made me do
it" and you've lost something valuable that represented more fun and serene
times, and something that represents a secure family. She because she "made
you do it" to satisfy her feelings of insecurity. Nothing wrong with hanging
onto something that has positive emotional baggage attached to it. And,
maybe most important of all, you two will survive this just fine. This part
is the heat of the moment and feels like it needs "fixing" right now.
Hope this works out reasonably and amicably for you two. You deserve it.
And, pardon my psycho-babble ramble if it seems that way.
> This probably isn't the best place to bring this up,
> since it is a biased audience, but i'm curious about
> what your thoughts are.
> Since moving up here to Vancouver, BC, and still
> searching for a job, money things have become more of
> an issue since neither of us are employed (she is a
> student). Lately, my '84 westy has been a topic of
> conversation. In particular, whether or not we should
> keep it. We now live in a community where we are
> delightfully free to get around via foot, bike, and
> bus, so having two vehicles really isn t necessary
> (although i m not sure how a job would affect all
> that). There are two fairly divided camps of thought
> on this in our household:
> Hers - if we are only going to pare down to a single
> vehicle, the van is not the most practical one for
> what we use it for (basic transportation). She does
> not want to feel trapped into driving a vehicle she
> thinks is relatively unsafe (less than inspiring
> brakes, no airbags, no abs, etc.), has a blind spot
> (why do all vans have the same dent in the rear
> bumper), and is not known for being the most reliable
> vehicle in the world... Basically, if we are sharing
> a vehicle, she wants a modern, reliable, economical,
> and safe one (small, too).
> His - I've very recently spent a *lot* of time and
> money on this van. It is in really good shape, and
> since my dad is the original owner, all my family
> vacations were in it, so i kind of grew up in it.
> Yes, there still are a few, um... quirks (mainly with
> the FI adapting to the larger engine), but i honestly
> feel everything is reliable now (new hydraulics,
> rebuilt tranny, new engine, new etc. etc... deluding
> myself?). However, i do understand that a small car
> like a honda is better suited for around-town driving,
> gets better gas mileage, etc., so a lot of my
> attachment is an emotional one, not a rational one.
> This is starting to be a bit of a contentious issue in
> our house, and i'm wondering if i am being silly
> holding on to a van as a potential single vehicle that
> my wife *really* doesn't want to be committed to as
> our sole means of transportation. Another car would
> do what we need quite well, but i simply like this
> I'd appreciate your thoughts on this (and serious
> ones, please... last time i posted something involving
> my wife, i received a disturbing number of
> misogynistic responses)
> '84 Westy (Sparky) w/2.3L WBX (wow... it actually works!)
> Do you Yahoo!?
> Free Pop-Up Blocker - Get it now