Date: Sat, 20 Dec 2003 13:41:34 -0600
Reply-To: Joel Walker <jwalker17@EARTHLINK.NET>
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From: Joel Walker <jwalker17@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: belated Frydaye Phoolishness ... :)
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
what with all the talk recently about somewhat related topics and
all ... i thought it might be appropriate to repost this old
thing ...
Quiz: Should YOU Own A Volkswagen Bus?
From time to time, those of us with hopelessly shot old
Volkswagen
Buses get The Question. You know what I mean: a co-worker or a
friend
or a family member will catch a glimpse of the way the trouble
light
gleams on the one good fender of your pride and joy and say,
"Maybe I should get one of these. What are they really like to
own?"
To save time and trouble, I've developed a carefully researched
quiz
(meaning I've spent most of the afternoon goofing off on this
instead
of doing useful work that my boss wants) that will help you in
such
times. Keep a supply of these handy -- to order, reply by
electronic
mail and please have your Visa card number at the top of the
message --
and just pass them out whenever someone sighs, looks at your
classic
bus, and says "You know, I always wanted one of those ..."
This quiz will give them the definitive answer to the question of
whether they are the right kind of person to own a Volkswagen
bus.
Use a #2 pencil, take your time, and remember, answer
truthfully --
the marriage you save may be your own.
1. You climb into the driver's seat of a car you haven't driven
for nearly a week, turn the key, and nothing happens. You:
A. Call AAA and ask that the car be towed directly to the
dealer
where you pay to have the charging system fully inspected.
The
dealer ends up billing you $470 for the inspection and $110
for
a new battery, and you have to spend an additional $75 at a
detail
shop to get the grease stains out of the floor mats.
B. Call AAA and have them jump-start the car, at which point
you buy a new battery for $95 and pay another $30 to have it
installed.
C. Jump-start the car from whatever other vehicle in your
stable is currently running and drive around at high speed
to charge the battery quickly.
D. Crawl underneath it with your screwdriver and cigarette
lighter
(or mallet, if you are less mechanically deft) to jar the
solenoid
loose.
2. A few weeks later, the car does the same thing, this time on
a
new battery. You:
A. Call AAA, have them take the car back to the dealer and
talk
loudly about small claims court; this time they charge you
$780
to replace the alternator, but because you were so outraged,
they
throw in a new pine-tree air freshener and put paper mats on
the carpet (which get wadded up under the brake pedal anyway
and therefore still let the mechanic smear grease on your
carpet).
B. Call AAA, have the car jump-started, and take it to the
dealer where you quickly trade it in on a new model before
the problem recurs, at a total cost, including tax, license,
depreciation, interest, and dealer markup, of close to $6000.
C. Realize you have a short-circuit somewhere that's causing
a slow leak, so you buy a battery-terminal cut-off switch and
install it yourself, for a total cost of $4.96 including tax
and a new grease-impregnated felt ring for under the
terminal.
D. Rig an extra 10 guage wire to give the solenoid an extra
shot
at working while your clothes are still dry (but keep that
screwdriver handy) and start parking on top of that small
hill
close to your apartment.
3. Starting to think about selling the car, you dither about
what to
get as a replacement, and finally decide on:
A. Another of the same make, because Consumer's Report gave
it their highest overall rating.
B. Another of the same make, because you just read in Car
and
Driver that the J.D. Powers index has rated this brand in the
top
three on overall customer satisfaction for the past four
years.
C. A Volkswagen Bus. I mean, as long as the car's going to
have
problems, you might as well have something absolutely useful
and
functional and big enough to sleep in, right?
D. Keeping it. Who sells cars? If it's worth money to
someone
else, it's worth restoring, or at least parking it out back
of the
house until you can get around to working on it.
4. When buying your new car, you make your purchasing decision:
A. By shopping a number of local dealers to find which one
has a
free courtesy van and loaner cars while yours is in the shop.
B. By shopping a number of local dealers until you find one
that
has the model you like in that wicked opalescent plum, with
the
huge lighted vanity mirrors that your spouse likes.
C. Because when you see the car, your arms start shaking and
your
knees get weak and you know that if you don't have THAT car,
you
will never be able to function as a fulfilled human being.
D. Because you have a spare engine that might fit, and the
floorboards aren't *that* rusty. Besides this one looks
*challenging*.
5. When you have found the car you want to buy, you pay:
A. $50 over factory invoice, and you know it's the factory
invoice
because the dealer showed you a computer printout.
B. The dealer's asking price, and you snicker all the way
home,
knowing you made a great deal because they gave you *your*
full asking price on the trade in.
C. Every penny you can scrape together, including what you
have
in your 401(K) and next month's house payment. I mean, some
things are just more important than others.
D. The tow truck driver an extra $10.00 not to hook up to
the
bumper.
6. When you arrive home with your new purchase, you immediately:
A. Spray the interior with Scotchgard so that it won't stain
when
the preschooler dumps a McDonald's Happy Meal on it and then
sits on the ketchup smears to keep out of trouble.
B. Put a car cover on it in the garage so that nothing drips
on
the paint.
C. Put a clean layer of kitty litter under it so you can see
where the drips under it are coming from.
D. Start explaining to the spouse what a deal it was, as you
vacuum out all the old roaches and stash bags.
7. You know you're an enthusiast, because the first weekend you
own this car, you:
A. Look through the Crutchfield catalog to see what
components
you can add to enhance the bass response on the CD-player.
B. Look through the ads in back issues of Road & Track to
see
to see what rims will make it look really baaaaad.
C. Look through the ads in the current issues of Hot VWs and
VW
Trends to see who is having a sale so you can stock up on the
parts
that you expect to fail in the next few months.
D. Start calling junkyards near and far to see who has a
spare
left rear taillight lens.
8. When it's time for your first oil change, you:
A. Take it to the dealer -- after all, it's important to
have
factory-certified technicians work on your vehicle.
B. Take it to Sears -- after all, it's important to have a
handy local shop to blame if anything goes wrong.
C. Do it yourself, in the garage or carport. Drain the
engine,
and refill it with Castrol -- after all, the Porsche racing
team
was sponsored by Castrol for all of their famous wins in the
Sixties and Seventies, and Dr. Porsche designed the engines
in the
VW Buses, too.
D. Do it yourself, using whatever Autozone has on sale. And
while
you're down there, see about those pushrod tube seals and set
the
valve clearance, which reminds you to check the exhaust
gaskets
(cause it's been a bit loud lately), which makes you notice a
hole
in your heater box, but luckily you have some aluminum tape
...
9. When it has to be left overnight for service, you:
A. Take it to the dealer and are ruined by the experience of
driving the loaner car, which is the next most expensive
model,
equipped with leather interior, four cup-holders and a 10-CD
jukebox. Driving your old car isn't going to be the same
after
you've been in this one.
B. Put it off -- after all, this car's reputation for
quality
means you should never have to worry about service, right?
C. Put it off -- after all, the dealer has nothing but
morons
and crooks working there, who don't know anything about
fixing
buses at all. And the independent mechanics just laugh and
make
jokes about your sanity when you drive up.
D. Car-pool with your spouse/neighbor for the next three
weeks
while you wait for the new cylinder heads in the mail, cause
the
old ones got really damaged when you used that air impact
wrench
to put in those new sparkplugs, cause it was much faster, and
you
did that so you would have time to fix that heater box and
you
can replace that after the car is back on the road as long as
you
don't run the heater till then...
10. A somewhat irresponsible family member asks to borrow
your car. You:
A. Are a little nervous, but know that at least the car's
advanced
safety features will protect the driver even in the case of
an
accident. That way you can savor the pleasure of the kill
yourself.
B. Suddenly remember that you've entered the Atascadero
Porcupine Grooming Contest that weekend and that you need
the car to bring along your quill-removal gear.
C. Spend half an hour explaining the Ying and Yang of Bus
Driving,
the philosophy of Belligerent Defensive Driving with No Crash
Protection, how your butt drops out from under you during
panic
stops, how it only SEEMS like you are going to tip over as
you
go around corners, and how you really don't think it's a good
idea
for people who have never driven a Bus to start now, because
of
the current political situation downtown and the alignment of
Jupiter with Mars.
D. Spend half an hour going over the details, like how to
start
the car on the first three tries (using the switch that feeds
the
that extra 10 gauge wire), how to keep it running without
stalling
until it warms up, and how the headlight switch operates the
backup lights, the bass button on the radio works the parking
lights and the heater fan, the rear defroster switch works
the
high beams, and of course, the heater box that is still
broken even
after you changed the spark plugs so be sure to bring a
jacket and
a towel to wip the condensation off the inside of the
windshield.
Oh, and don't forget NOT to push in the cigarette lighter.
You don't want to know what happens if you do that.
YOUR SCORE
If you answered A to more than five questions, you should own a
new
European Luxury Sports Car. Rush right out and buy one. Now.
The
manufacturer doesn't matter much, as long as it is German,
Italian,
British, or Swedish. Don't buy French makes; their names are
hard to
pronounce and they are not spelled correctly. And they are not
very
fashionable right now. Be sure to get one with a large model
number,
like 500, 850, 928, or 9000 (stay away from small model numbers
like
80, 280, 320 ... small numbers indicate small minds, and get no
respect
from dealer service personnel). Front-wheel drive is the current
vogue
and will therefore make you and your car much more unique and
more
fashionable. Be sure to ask the dealer salesperson about what
all those
letters and numbers on the tires mean; after all, it is the job
of the
salesperson to be completely informed on every technical aspect
of your
car, right?
If you answered B to more than five questions, you should own a
Japanese car. Any kind, basically; they're pretty much inter-
changeable, as long as somewhere in the model designation there's
a two-letter code with at least one X in it. That's the
important thing.
If you answered C to more than five questions, you may actually
already
be far enough gone round the bend to own a Volksagen Bus. To
determine
which generation Bus you should choose, look at the answers you
gave
which were NOT C:
If you answered mostly A to the other questions, you should
get a
Eurovan.
If you answered mostly B to the other questions, you should
get a
Vanagon, preferably a water-cooled model.
If you answered mostly D to the other questions, you should
get an
air-cooled Vanagon.
If you answered D to more than five questions, not only do you
qualify
to own a Volkswagen Bus, but you are exactly the type who NEEDS
one,
especially the very old Split-Window Microbus or perhaps a
Bread-Loaf
Bay-Window Bus. To decide for certain, put a half-pound of
crushed ice
in your shorts, make a slurry of beach sand and pea-gravel with
used
motor oil and grind it into your scalp, and stand out in the rain
overnight, smiling like an idiot ... because you know that
Suffering
Builds Character. If you manage that, you're in the club!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
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shamelessly stolen from
Scott Fisher on the British Car List
and modified by Unca Joel Walker
with editorial assistance from
Steve Dolan and Ric Golen