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Date:         Sat, 20 Dec 2003 13:41:34 -0600
Reply-To:     Joel Walker <jwalker17@EARTHLINK.NET>
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From:         Joel Walker <jwalker17@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject:      belated Frydaye Phoolishness ... :)
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"

what with all the talk recently about somewhat related topics and all ... i thought it might be appropriate to repost this old thing ...

Quiz: Should YOU Own A Volkswagen Bus?

From time to time, those of us with hopelessly shot old Volkswagen Buses get The Question. You know what I mean: a co-worker or a friend or a family member will catch a glimpse of the way the trouble light gleams on the one good fender of your pride and joy and say, "Maybe I should get one of these. What are they really like to own?"

To save time and trouble, I've developed a carefully researched quiz (meaning I've spent most of the afternoon goofing off on this instead of doing useful work that my boss wants) that will help you in such times. Keep a supply of these handy -- to order, reply by electronic mail and please have your Visa card number at the top of the message -- and just pass them out whenever someone sighs, looks at your classic bus, and says "You know, I always wanted one of those ..."

This quiz will give them the definitive answer to the question of whether they are the right kind of person to own a Volkswagen bus. Use a #2 pencil, take your time, and remember, answer truthfully -- the marriage you save may be your own.

1. You climb into the driver's seat of a car you haven't driven for nearly a week, turn the key, and nothing happens. You:

A. Call AAA and ask that the car be towed directly to the dealer where you pay to have the charging system fully inspected. The dealer ends up billing you $470 for the inspection and $110 for a new battery, and you have to spend an additional $75 at a detail shop to get the grease stains out of the floor mats.

B. Call AAA and have them jump-start the car, at which point you buy a new battery for $95 and pay another $30 to have it installed.

C. Jump-start the car from whatever other vehicle in your stable is currently running and drive around at high speed to charge the battery quickly.

D. Crawl underneath it with your screwdriver and cigarette lighter (or mallet, if you are less mechanically deft) to jar the solenoid loose.

2. A few weeks later, the car does the same thing, this time on a new battery. You:

A. Call AAA, have them take the car back to the dealer and talk loudly about small claims court; this time they charge you $780 to replace the alternator, but because you were so outraged, they throw in a new pine-tree air freshener and put paper mats on the carpet (which get wadded up under the brake pedal anyway and therefore still let the mechanic smear grease on your carpet).

B. Call AAA, have the car jump-started, and take it to the dealer where you quickly trade it in on a new model before the problem recurs, at a total cost, including tax, license, depreciation, interest, and dealer markup, of close to $6000.

C. Realize you have a short-circuit somewhere that's causing a slow leak, so you buy a battery-terminal cut-off switch and install it yourself, for a total cost of $4.96 including tax and a new grease-impregnated felt ring for under the terminal.

D. Rig an extra 10 guage wire to give the solenoid an extra shot at working while your clothes are still dry (but keep that screwdriver handy) and start parking on top of that small hill close to your apartment.

3. Starting to think about selling the car, you dither about what to get as a replacement, and finally decide on:

A. Another of the same make, because Consumer's Report gave it their highest overall rating.

B. Another of the same make, because you just read in Car and Driver that the J.D. Powers index has rated this brand in the top three on overall customer satisfaction for the past four years.

C. A Volkswagen Bus. I mean, as long as the car's going to have problems, you might as well have something absolutely useful and functional and big enough to sleep in, right?

D. Keeping it. Who sells cars? If it's worth money to someone else, it's worth restoring, or at least parking it out back of the house until you can get around to working on it.

4. When buying your new car, you make your purchasing decision:

A. By shopping a number of local dealers to find which one has a free courtesy van and loaner cars while yours is in the shop.

B. By shopping a number of local dealers until you find one that has the model you like in that wicked opalescent plum, with the huge lighted vanity mirrors that your spouse likes.

C. Because when you see the car, your arms start shaking and your knees get weak and you know that if you don't have THAT car, you will never be able to function as a fulfilled human being.

D. Because you have a spare engine that might fit, and the floorboards aren't *that* rusty. Besides this one looks *challenging*.

5. When you have found the car you want to buy, you pay:

A. $50 over factory invoice, and you know it's the factory invoice because the dealer showed you a computer printout.

B. The dealer's asking price, and you snicker all the way home, knowing you made a great deal because they gave you *your* full asking price on the trade in.

C. Every penny you can scrape together, including what you have in your 401(K) and next month's house payment. I mean, some things are just more important than others.

D. The tow truck driver an extra $10.00 not to hook up to the bumper.

6. When you arrive home with your new purchase, you immediately:

A. Spray the interior with Scotchgard so that it won't stain when the preschooler dumps a McDonald's Happy Meal on it and then sits on the ketchup smears to keep out of trouble.

B. Put a car cover on it in the garage so that nothing drips on the paint.

C. Put a clean layer of kitty litter under it so you can see where the drips under it are coming from.

D. Start explaining to the spouse what a deal it was, as you vacuum out all the old roaches and stash bags.

7. You know you're an enthusiast, because the first weekend you own this car, you:

A. Look through the Crutchfield catalog to see what components you can add to enhance the bass response on the CD-player.

B. Look through the ads in back issues of Road & Track to see to see what rims will make it look really baaaaad.

C. Look through the ads in the current issues of Hot VWs and VW Trends to see who is having a sale so you can stock up on the parts that you expect to fail in the next few months.

D. Start calling junkyards near and far to see who has a spare left rear taillight lens.

8. When it's time for your first oil change, you:

A. Take it to the dealer -- after all, it's important to have factory-certified technicians work on your vehicle.

B. Take it to Sears -- after all, it's important to have a handy local shop to blame if anything goes wrong.

C. Do it yourself, in the garage or carport. Drain the engine, and refill it with Castrol -- after all, the Porsche racing team was sponsored by Castrol for all of their famous wins in the Sixties and Seventies, and Dr. Porsche designed the engines in the VW Buses, too.

D. Do it yourself, using whatever Autozone has on sale. And while you're down there, see about those pushrod tube seals and set the valve clearance, which reminds you to check the exhaust gaskets (cause it's been a bit loud lately), which makes you notice a hole in your heater box, but luckily you have some aluminum tape ...

9. When it has to be left overnight for service, you:

A. Take it to the dealer and are ruined by the experience of driving the loaner car, which is the next most expensive model, equipped with leather interior, four cup-holders and a 10-CD jukebox. Driving your old car isn't going to be the same after you've been in this one.

B. Put it off -- after all, this car's reputation for quality means you should never have to worry about service, right?

C. Put it off -- after all, the dealer has nothing but morons and crooks working there, who don't know anything about fixing buses at all. And the independent mechanics just laugh and make jokes about your sanity when you drive up.

D. Car-pool with your spouse/neighbor for the next three weeks while you wait for the new cylinder heads in the mail, cause the old ones got really damaged when you used that air impact wrench to put in those new sparkplugs, cause it was much faster, and you did that so you would have time to fix that heater box and you can replace that after the car is back on the road as long as you don't run the heater till then...

10. A somewhat irresponsible family member asks to borrow your car. You:

A. Are a little nervous, but know that at least the car's advanced safety features will protect the driver even in the case of an accident. That way you can savor the pleasure of the kill yourself.

B. Suddenly remember that you've entered the Atascadero Porcupine Grooming Contest that weekend and that you need the car to bring along your quill-removal gear.

C. Spend half an hour explaining the Ying and Yang of Bus Driving, the philosophy of Belligerent Defensive Driving with No Crash Protection, how your butt drops out from under you during panic stops, how it only SEEMS like you are going to tip over as you go around corners, and how you really don't think it's a good idea for people who have never driven a Bus to start now, because of the current political situation downtown and the alignment of Jupiter with Mars.

D. Spend half an hour going over the details, like how to start the car on the first three tries (using the switch that feeds the that extra 10 gauge wire), how to keep it running without stalling until it warms up, and how the headlight switch operates the backup lights, the bass button on the radio works the parking lights and the heater fan, the rear defroster switch works the high beams, and of course, the heater box that is still broken even after you changed the spark plugs so be sure to bring a jacket and a towel to wip the condensation off the inside of the windshield. Oh, and don't forget NOT to push in the cigarette lighter. You don't want to know what happens if you do that.

YOUR SCORE

If you answered A to more than five questions, you should own a new European Luxury Sports Car. Rush right out and buy one. Now. The manufacturer doesn't matter much, as long as it is German, Italian, British, or Swedish. Don't buy French makes; their names are hard to pronounce and they are not spelled correctly. And they are not very fashionable right now. Be sure to get one with a large model number, like 500, 850, 928, or 9000 (stay away from small model numbers like 80, 280, 320 ... small numbers indicate small minds, and get no respect from dealer service personnel). Front-wheel drive is the current vogue and will therefore make you and your car much more unique and more fashionable. Be sure to ask the dealer salesperson about what all those letters and numbers on the tires mean; after all, it is the job of the salesperson to be completely informed on every technical aspect of your car, right?

If you answered B to more than five questions, you should own a Japanese car. Any kind, basically; they're pretty much inter- changeable, as long as somewhere in the model designation there's a two-letter code with at least one X in it. That's the important thing.

If you answered C to more than five questions, you may actually already be far enough gone round the bend to own a Volksagen Bus. To determine which generation Bus you should choose, look at the answers you gave which were NOT C: If you answered mostly A to the other questions, you should get a Eurovan. If you answered mostly B to the other questions, you should get a Vanagon, preferably a water-cooled model. If you answered mostly D to the other questions, you should get an air-cooled Vanagon.

If you answered D to more than five questions, not only do you qualify to own a Volkswagen Bus, but you are exactly the type who NEEDS one, especially the very old Split-Window Microbus or perhaps a Bread-Loaf Bay-Window Bus. To decide for certain, put a half-pound of crushed ice in your shorts, make a slurry of beach sand and pea-gravel with used motor oil and grind it into your scalp, and stand out in the rain overnight, smiling like an idiot ... because you know that Suffering Builds Character. If you manage that, you're in the club! ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------- shamelessly stolen from Scott Fisher on the British Car List and modified by Unca Joel Walker with editorial assistance from Steve Dolan and Ric Golen


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