If you didn't have any thing to think about and ponder today well, help has arrived. If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous >> erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my >> stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind >> sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. >> >> Here are some more of his gems: >> >> 1 . I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. >> >> 2 . Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. >> >> 3 . Half the people you know are below average. >> >> 4 . 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. >> >> 5 . 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. >> >> 6 . A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. >> >> 7 . A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. >> >> 8 . If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. >> >> 9 . All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand. >> >> 10 . The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the >> cheese. >> >> 11 . I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. >> >> 12 . OK, so what's the speed of dark? >> >> 13 . How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? >> >> 14 . If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked >> something. >> >> 15 . Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. >> >> 16 . When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. >> >> 17 . Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. >> >> 18 . Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. >> >> 19 . I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. >> >> 20 . If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? >> >> 21 . Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. >> >> 22 . What happens if you get scared half to death twice? >> >> 23 . My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your >> horn louder." >> >> 24 . Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? >> >> 25 . If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. >> >> 26 . A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. >> >> 27 . Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. >> >> 28 . The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the >> softness of the bread. >> >> 29 . To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is >> research. >> >> 30 . The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. >> >> 31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. >> >> 32 . The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be >> on it. >> >> 33 . Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. >> |
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