Date:         Wed, 26 Apr 2006 04:25:42 -0700
Reply-To:     Joseph Fortino <fortino1@EARTHLINK.NET>
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From:         Joseph Fortino <fortino1@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject:      Re: OT. Haynes explained
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1

LOL, wait. before doing any work, please stop off at your local 7-11 and get a good sixer
of your fav import. ;) put the wife and kids to bed and stay up all night trying to understand
the repair at hand
 
Joe


-----Original Message-----
>From: Mike Miller <mwmiller@CWNET.COM>
>Sent: Apr 25, 2006 10:58 AM
>To: vanagon@GERRY.VANAGON.COM
>Subject: Re: OT. Haynes explained
>
>Finally something about the Haynes that I understand:
>
>If you have to read about it in this manual, you donšt have a prayer of
>getting it done unless youšre TK.
>
>Mike
>
>
>On 4/25/06 10:10 AM, "Jens Jakob Andersen" <jayjay@ZORCK.DK> wrote:
>
>> Now I understand better why I get so much trouble at the car, when it looked
>> so easy in the Haynes:
>> 
>> --------
>> Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
>> Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
>> counterclockwise.
>> 
>> Haynes: This is a snug fit.
>> Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
>> 
>> Haynes: This is a tight fit.
>> Translation: Not a hope in hell, bucko!
>> 
>> Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
>> Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start;
>> now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox...
>> 
>> Haynes: Pry... 
>> Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
>> 
>> Haynes: Undo... 
>> Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40...
>> 
>> Haynes: Retain small spring...
>> Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!"
>> 
>> Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
>> Translation: "OK - that's the glass part off, now use some good
>> pliers to dig out the base...
>> 
>> Haynes: Lightly...
>> Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
>> forehead are throbbing...
>> 
>> Haynes: Routine maintenance...
>> Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
>> 
>> Haynes: One spanner rating.
>> Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to
>> botch it up? 
>> 
>> Haynes: Two spanner rating.
>> Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
>> low, tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
>> was a map of the Tokyo underground.
>> 
>> Haynes: Three spanner rating.
>> Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!
>> 
>> Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
>> Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
>> 
>> Haynes: Compress...
>> Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
>> at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the
>> garage for while muttering "Piece of Sh@t" repeatedly under your
>> breath. 
>> 
>> Haynes: Inspect...
>> Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
>> looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep,
>> as I thought, it's broke!"
>> 
>> Haynes: Carefully...
>> Translation: You are about to cut yourself.
>> 
>> Haynes: Retaining nut...
>> Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
>> 
>> Haynes: Get an assistant...
>> Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
>> know. 
>> 
>> Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
>> Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
>> harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided,
>> you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark
>> plugs. 
>> 
>> Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
>> Translation: But you swear in different places.
>> 
>> Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
>> Translation: Snap off...
>> 
>> Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
>> Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
>> 
>> Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
>> Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
>> heat. 
>> 
>> Haynes: Index 
>> Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want
>> to do! 
>>