Date: Fri, 6 Jun 2008 09:04:57 -0700
Reply-To: Neil2 <vidublu@GMAIL.COM>
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From: Neil2 <vidublu@GMAIL.COM>
Subject: No Vanagon Content, yet
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Me bro sent this to me earlier this week and I've been saving it for the NVC
nazis. :-)
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where
nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, "Oh s---!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make
studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used
in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used
to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
the Ouija board principle. It transforms human
energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to
completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to
prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly
used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall
integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering
an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly
off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future
use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into
smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead
of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large
pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal
surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.
DAMNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
cross the garage while yelling "DAMNIT" at the top
of your lungs. Usually involves blood loss. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
S--T CLIP": A small circular or hairpin-style
retaining clip typically used to hold small shafts
in place (ie: carburetor throttle shaft). The name
comes from every mechanics' expression the moment
when a clip pops off the shaft and falls under the
car.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct
Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
--
Neil
'82 Diesel Westy
Peace of