Date: Fri, 9 Jan 2009 23:10:50 -0800
Reply-To: Roger Whittaker <rogerwhitt1@GMAIL.COM>
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <firstname.lastname@example.org>
From: Roger Whittaker <rogerwhitt1@GMAIL.COM>
Subject: Re: Phydaye Phollies ... an oldie. that's getting older :)
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dear phriday phunnies
thanks for that
i read the whole thing to my wife ... she laphed alot
On Fri, Jan 9, 2009 at 7:01 PM, joel walker <email@example.com> wrote:
> Heisenberg had some thoughts on that. You will have all the tools
>> to fix
>> whatever broke last time. You will have all but one essential bit
>> to fix
>> what broke this time.
> Heisenberg was Murphy's brother-in-law. :)
> Learn to change a tire by yourself, in the rain, in your driveway.
>> Learn to
>> replace the headlight switch by flashlight in deep fog and 30
>> degrees, in
>> your driveway. Replace the alternator belt with the new one you
>> bought. In
>> the dark...etc etc.
>> Then,according to Robert Pirsig, you may be worthy of true vanagon
> ok, ok, ya forced it out of me ...
> Quiz: Should YOU Own A Volkswagen Bus?
> From time to time, those of us with hopelessly shot old Volkswagen
> Buses get The Question. You know what I mean: a co-worker or a friend
> or a family member will catch a glimpse of the way the trouble light
> gleams on the one good fender of your pride and joy and say,
> "Maybe I should get one of these. What are they really like to own?"
> To save time and trouble, I've developed a carefully researched quiz
> (meaning I've spent most of the afternoon goofing off on this instead
> of doing useful work that my boss wants) that will help you in such
> times. Keep a supply of these handy -- to order, reply by electronic
> mail and please have your Visa card number at the top of the
> message --
> and just pass them out whenever someone sighs, looks at your classic
> bus, and says "You know, I always wanted one of those ..."
> This quiz will give them the definitive answer to the question of
> whether they are the right kind of person to own a Volkswagen bus.
> Use a #2 pencil, take your time, and remember, answer truthfully --
> the marriage you save may be your own.
> 1. You climb into the driver's seat of a car you haven't driven
> for nearly a week, turn the key, and nothing happens. You:
> A. Call AAA and ask that the car be towed directly to the dealer
> where you pay to have the charging system fully inspected. The
> dealer ends up billing you $470 for the inspection and $110 for
> a new battery, and you have to spend an additional $75 at a detail
> shop to get the grease stains out of the floor mats.
> B. Call AAA and have them jump-start the car, at which point
> you buy a new battery for $95 and pay another $30 to have it
> C. Jump-start the car from whatever other vehicle in your
> stable is currently running and drive around at high speed
> to charge the battery quickly.
> D. Crawl underneath it with your screwdriver and cigarette
> (or mallet, if you are less mechanically deft) to jar the solenoid
> 2. A few weeks later, the car does the same thing, this time on a
> new battery. You:
> A. Call AAA, have them take the car back to the dealer and talk
> loudly about small claims court; this time they charge you $780
> to replace the alternator, but because you were so outraged, they
> throw in a new pine-tree air freshener and put paper mats on
> the carpet (which get wadded up under the brake pedal anyway
> and therefore still let the mechanic smear grease on your carpet).
> B. Call AAA, have the car jump-started, and take it to the
> dealer where you quickly trade it in on a new model before
> the problem recurs, at a total cost, including tax, license,
> depreciation, interest, and dealer markup, of close to $6000.
> C. Realize you have a short-circuit somewhere that's causing
> a slow leak, so you buy a battery-terminal cut-off switch and
> install it yourself, for a total cost of $4.96 including tax
> and a new grease-impregnated felt ring for under the terminal.
> D. Rig an extra 10 guage wire to give the solenoid an extra shot
> at working while your clothes are still dry (but keep that
> screwdriver handy) and start parking on top of that small hill
> close to your apartment.
> 3. Starting to think about selling the car, you dither about what to
> get as a replacement, and finally decide on:
> A. Another of the same make, because Consumer's Report gave
> it their highest overall rating.
> B. Another of the same make, because you just read in Car and
> Driver that the J.D. Powers index has rated this brand in the top
> three on overall customer satisfaction for the past four years.
> C. A Volkswagen Bus. I mean, as long as the car's going to have
> problems, you might as well have something absolutely useful and
> functional and big enough to sleep in, right?
> D. Keeping it. Who sells cars? If it's worth money to someone
> else, it's worth restoring, or at least parking it out back of the
> house until you can get around to working on it.
> 4. When buying your new car, you make your purchasing decision:
> A. By shopping a number of local dealers to find which one has a
> free courtesy van and loaner cars while yours is in the shop.
> B. By shopping a number of local dealers until you find one that
> has the model you like in that wicked opalescent plum, with the
> huge lighted vanity mirrors that your spouse likes.
> C. Because when you see the car, your arms start shaking and your
> knees get weak and you know that if you don't have THAT car, you
> will never be able to function as a fulfilled human being.
> D. Because you have a spare engine that might fit, and the
> floorboards aren't *that* rusty. Besides this one looks
> 5. When you have found the car you want to buy, you pay:
> A. $50 over factory invoice, and you know it's the factory
> because the dealer showed you a computer printout.
> B. The dealer's asking price, and you snicker all the way home,
> knowing you made a great deal because they gave you *your*
> full asking price on the trade in.
> C. Every penny you can scrape together, including what you have
> in your 401(K) and next month's house payment. I mean, some
> things are just more important than others.
> D. The tow truck driver an extra $10.00 not to hook up to the
> 6. When you arrive home with your new purchase, you immediately:
> A. Spray the interior with Scotchgard so that it won't stain when
> the preschooler dumps a McDonald's Happy Meal on it and then
> sits on the ketchup smears to keep out of trouble.
> B. Put a car cover on it in the garage so that nothing drips on
> the paint.
> C. Put a clean layer of kitty litter under it so you can see
> where the drips under it are coming from.
> D. Start explaining to the spouse what a deal it was, as you
> vacuum out all the old roaches and stash bags.
> 7. You know you're an enthusiast, because the first weekend you
> own this car, you:
> A. Look through the Crutchfield catalog to see what components
> you can add to enhance the bass response on the CD-player.
> B. Look through the ads in back issues of Road & Track to see
> to see what rims will make it look really baaaaad.
> C. Look through the ads in the current issues of Hot VWs and VW
> Trends to see who is having a sale so you can stock up on the
> that you expect to fail in the next few months.
> D. Start calling junkyards near and far to see who has a spare
> left rear taillight lens.
> 8. When it's time for your first oil change, you:
> A. Take it to the dealer -- after all, it's important to have
> factory-certified technicians work on your vehicle.
> B. Take it to Sears -- after all, it's important to have a
> handy local shop to blame if anything goes wrong.
> C. Do it yourself, in the garage or carport. Drain the engine,
> and refill it with Castrol -- after all, the Porsche racing team
> was sponsored by Castrol for all of their famous wins in the
> Sixties and Seventies, and Dr. Porsche designed the engines in the
> VW Buses, too.
> D. Do it yourself, using whatever Autozone has on sale. And while
> you're down there, see about those pushrod tube seals and set the
> valve clearance, which reminds you to check the exhaust gaskets
> (cause it's been a bit loud lately), which makes you notice a hole
> in your heater box, but luckily you have some aluminum tape ...
> 9. When it has to be left overnight for service, you:
> A. Take it to the dealer and are ruined by the experience of
> driving the loaner car, which is the next most expensive model,
> equipped with leather interior, four cup-holders and a 10-CD
> jukebox. Driving your old car isn't going to be the same after
> you've been in this one.
> B. Put it off -- after all, this car's reputation for quality
> means you should never have to worry about service, right?
> C. Put it off -- after all, the dealer has nothing but morons
> and crooks working there, who don't know anything about fixing
> buses at all. And the independent mechanics just laugh and make
> jokes about your sanity when you drive up.
> D. Car-pool with your spouse/neighbor for the next three weeks
> while you wait for the new cylinder heads in the mail, cause the
> old ones got really damaged when you used that air impact wrench
> to put in those new sparkplugs, cause it was much faster, and you
> did that so you would have time to fix that heater box and you
> can replace that after the car is back on the road as long as you
> don't run the heater till then...
> 10. A somewhat irresponsible family member asks to borrow
> your car. You:
> A. Are a little nervous, but know that at least the car's
> safety features will protect the driver even in the case of an
> accident. That way you can savor the pleasure of the kill
> B. Suddenly remember that you've entered the Atascadero
> Porcupine Grooming Contest that weekend and that you need
> the car to bring along your quill-removal gear.
> C. Spend half an hour explaining the Ying and Yang of Bus
> the philosophy of Belligerent Defensive Driving with No Crash
> Protection, how your butt drops out from under you during panic
> stops, how it only SEEMS like you are going to tip over as you
> go around corners, and how you really don't think it's a good idea
> for people who have never driven a Bus to start now, because of
> the current political situation downtown and the alignment of
> Jupiter with Mars.
> D. Spend half an hour going over the details, like how to start
> the car on the first three tries (using the switch that feeds the
> that extra 10 gauge wire), how to keep it running without stalling
> until it warms up, and how the headlight switch operates the
> backup lights, the bass button on the radio works the parking
> lights and the heater fan, the rear defroster switch works the
> high beams, and of course, the heater box that is still broken
> after you changed the spark plugs so be sure to bring a jacket and
> a towel to wip the condensation off the inside of the windshield.
> Oh, and don't forget NOT to push in the cigarette lighter.
> You don't want to know what happens if you do that.
> YOUR SCORE
> If you answered A to more than five questions, you should own a new
> European Luxury Sports Car. Rush right out and buy one. Now. The
> manufacturer doesn't matter much, as long as it is German, Italian,
> British, or Swedish. Don't buy French makes; their names are hard to
> pronounce and they are not spelled correctly. And they are not very
> fashionable right now. Be sure to get one with a large model number,
> like 500, 850, 928, or 9000 (stay away from small model numbers like
> 80, 280, 320 ... small numbers indicate small minds, and get no
> from dealer service personnel). Front-wheel drive is the current
> and will therefore make you and your car much more unique and more
> fashionable. Be sure to ask the dealer salesperson about what all
> letters and numbers on the tires mean; after all, it is the job of
> salesperson to be completely informed on every technical aspect of
> car, right?
> If you answered B to more than five questions, you should own a
> Japanese car. Any kind, basically; they're pretty much inter-
> changeable, as long as somewhere in the model designation there's
> a two-letter code with at least one X in it. That's the important
> If you answered C to more than five questions, you may actually
> be far enough gone round the bend to own a Volksagen Bus. To
> which generation Bus you should choose, look at the answers you gave
> which were NOT C:
> If you answered mostly A to the other questions, you should get a
> If you answered mostly B to the other questions, you should get a
> Vanagon, preferably a water-cooled model.
> If you answered mostly D to the other questions, you should get an
> air-cooled Vanagon.
> If you answered D to more than five questions, not only do you qualify
> to own a Volkswagen Bus, but you are exactly the type who NEEDS one,
> especially the very old Split-Window Microbus or perhaps a Bread-Loaf
> Bay-Window Bus.
> To decide for certain, put a half-pound of crushed ice
> in your shorts, make a slurry of beach sand and pea-gravel with used
> motor oil and grind it into your scalp, and stand out in the rain
> overnight, smiling like an idiot ... because you know that Suffering
> Builds Character.
> If you manage that, you're in the club!
> shamelessly stolen from
> Scott Fisher <firstname.lastname@example.org> on the British Car List
> and mortified by
> Joel Walker <email@example.com>
> with editorial assistance from
> Steve Dolan <firstname.lastname@example.org>
> Ric Golen <email@example.com>
There are two kinds of jobs in the world:
Picking up garbage and telling people things.
Successful people do both, with the same good attitude. (riw)
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