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Date:         Fri, 14 Aug 2009 14:17:52 -0700
Reply-To:     levi hawkins <b1levi@YAHOO.COM>
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From:         levi hawkins <b1levi@YAHOO.COM>
Subject:      Re: Fryedaye Re: Can You Have Too Many Vanagons? an in-depth
              study of              a modern social sickness.
In-Reply-To:  <1971D4D7C4344AF0A4E8AF35E2B7C500@gp207joel>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1

Buddy, You're a pwtmv's with tmtoyh (too much time on your hands)

--- On Fri, 8/14/09, joel walker <uncajoel@BELLSOUTH.NET> wrote:

From: joel walker <uncajoel@BELLSOUTH.NET> Subject: Fryedaye Re: Can You Have Too Many Vanagons? an in-depth study of a modern social sickness. To: vanagon@GERRY.VANAGON.COM Date: Friday, August 14, 2009, 1:22 PM

whilst regaling the internet about Cheap Syncro-Columbus, OH, someone asked, quite innocently ... > Can you have too many Vanagons...?.....;-)

and there began the Wheels a'turning. :)

Yes, Virginia, a person CAN have too many Vanagons.

it is sad, but it is true. and it can be hazardous to one's health.

1. wives/husbands/cats/dogs/companions/neighbors have been known to suddenly go 'mental' and inflict serious bodily damage upon said person-with-too-many-Vanagons (hereafter referred to as simply PwtmV) with various and sundry sharp objects found nearby within the house/mobile home/cabin/tent/camper. the most common trigger for such actions seems to be the phrase "You won't believe the deal i got on this bus!" or some variation thereof.

2. PwtmVs have been known to neglect their health care, preferring to spend such monies on replacement/spare parts, various and sundry harmful chemicals (Por-15, etc), paint, aftermarket accessories, tires, windshields, and so on. these actions are commonly accompanied by wheezing, coughing, skin discolorations, and an increased desire for alcoholic beverages of various colors and types, coupled with a pronounced twitchiness, drooling, and spending hours upon personal computers emailing other similarly inflicted people.

3. PwtmVs sometimes subject other members of their family groups to the same neglect, resulting in psychological trauma from ridicule by the member's peer groups. this is usually found when the member is a teenager. pre-teens seem to actually like this neglect, seeing the too-many-Vanagons as 'neat'. this 'neatness' usually fades as winter sets in and they realize that the clothing allowance was spent on cv joints for one of the Vanagons. teenagers actively rebel and can become quite violent at times, especially when confronted with the prospect of a parentally-chaperoned date to be carried out in one of the too-many-Vanagons, assuming, of course, that any of them actually run. the same sort of trauma has been noted in wives/husbands/cats/dogs/companions/neighbors when forced to ride to malls, stores, places of work, etc., so the reaction seems to be related to post-puberty homones.

4. the only known species that seems to NOT be affected by PwtmVs are dogs. possibly cats. it's very difficult to determine what, if anything, affects cats. other than dogs. but dogs seem to not be affected by PwtmVs and their obsessive behaviour(s). in fact, there are numbers of cases in which the dogs were active participants in such behaviour(s), actually encouraging the PwtmV in such obsessions.

5. there is no known cure. well, other than wives/husbands/cats/dogs/companions/neighbors actually murdering the PwtmV. such occurances are rare, however, even though the usual case results in 'justifiable homicide' charges, rather than actual Second-degree Murder.

6. it seems to be a primarily male-related sickness, but has been known to spread quickly across gender lines.  indeed, sometimes, the sickness is much more intense when it speads, engendering somewhat striking abnormalities in other areas of personality. for the population as a whole, however, the risk is quite low and nothing other than ordinary precautions (washing of one's entire body and soul after riding in a Vanagon, or even talking with a PwtmV, or at least washing one's mind with alcohol after being around any PwtmV) is required for most people. some of the population, however, seems to be extremely weak-willed and able to be dramatically influenced by the merest contact with PwtmVs ... the DNA-related aspects of this influence have not yet been determined, as no money was forthcoming from the federal government for the necessary studies.

7. a PwtmV also seems to have a severe need for bonding with other PwtmVs, in small or large groupings, usually at some secluded alcove in some national or state park, or even in the wilderness beyond regulations. such bonding is often associated with strange behaviour, strange clothing, strange foodstuffs, and even stranger music. this gives rise to the truth in the old saying that "misery loves company". in this case, le Miserables REALLY loves company. these gatherings occur sporatically across the world, lingering for days, with accumulations of the infectees reaching into the dozens. these gatherings should not be confused with rock concerts or Burning Man or other such accumulations of wretched psyches, although it is true that many of the PwtmV infectees do attend such gatherings.

8. the long-term effects of PwtmV-itis (for want of a more clinically correct nomenclature) appears to be fairly consistent across the infectees, with some slight variations which appear to be related to personal income: that is, the more money the infectee has at their disposal, the less virulent the sickness becomes. this appears to be due to the ability (due to the excess income) to foster the sickness off onto mechanics who become infected not only with PwtmV-itis, but with greed-itis as well, creating a truly horrible personality disorder. in most cases, however, the PwtmV simply takes on the guise of a mechanic, further corrupting his psyche and creating more stress within any relationships currently in place. in very rare cases, the corruption takes a further turn for the worse, and the infectee begins to make Vanagons their entire life's work, possibly even seducing passersby into their sick little world, infecting them with PwtmV-itis, and then producing income from that infection.  this is a truly sick, sick situation, and thankfully rare, but it has been known to happen. one of the worst cases has been given its own name: GoWesty-itis. easily discernible by silly grins and empty purses/wallets, and strange attachments within and without the vehicle(s) involved.

9. the best strategem for handling this infection and/or the PwtmV themselves is to just basically go-with-the-flow. that is, appear to agree and sympathize with the individual (or group, if you happen to stumble into a gathering of PwtmV), even to the point of purchasing a Vanagon yourself. this simple action will soothe and calm the PwtmV to such an extent that they may relax and no longer threaten you with wild looks, strange noises, and endless babble. however, there does exist the slight danger that the PwtmV will want to buy your Vanagon ...yes, it is that serious an illness. should you choose to sell it, however, you are right back where you started: wild looks, strange noises, and endless babble. so it is better, from your point of view, to NOT sell, but rather buy parts from the PwtmV, who will then see you as competition and refuse to have anything to do with you in the future. the only problem with this course of action is that the liklihood of you becoming an infectee is quite high.

10. last, but by no means least, is the question: How Many is Too Many? there are those reputable scientists that say one is too many ... somewhat akin to "being a little bit pregnant": ain't no such thing. either you are or you are not, infected that is. and so it would seem to be true that if you have one Vanagon, you have "too many". but at this number of buses, the severity of the disease is not so readily apparent ... many people who have only one Vanagon appear perfectly normal to their wives/husbands/cats/dogs/companions/neighbors. this can be analogous to Typhoid Mary, wherein a person is a Carrier, but seems to be unaffected by the diesease themselves.  however, in the case of the PwtmV, this is not the long term case ... they WILL buy another Vanagon, sooner or later. if only as an excuse to 'have spare parts, cause they are getting harder to find". it is the second or third Vanagon that causes the person to run amuck and be consumed with the disease. if the number of buses can be contained by wives/husbands/cats/dogs/companions/neighbors , there is some small hope for recovery in the future, but if allowed to gather about themselves more and more Vanagons, all hope is lost and another soul begins its downward journey into the seven levels. other reputable scientists proclaim that as long as one Vanagon is driveable, it doesn't matter how many the PwtmV has, and there is still hope. recent research has shown this to be untrue ... a mere tale of false hope, created by desperate wives/husbands/cats/dogs/companions/neighbors, seeking to ease their own pain. with each additional Vanagon, the amount of time consumed by these vehicles increases exponentially until the brain of the PwtmV explodes or at least dribbles out their ears. at this point, the disease has crossed over in terminology and is now known as Junkyarditis, and falls under many local and state regulations regarding toxic waste and scrap metal collections.  these cases are extremely rare, but do occur.

you have been warned. ;)

unca joel


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