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Date:         Wed, 10 Aug 1994 17:52:03 +0800
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@vanagon.com>
From:         nrubin@s1.csuhayward.edu (martha rubin)
Subject:      (long!) non-forking family trees.

Joel! (and all yer cousins) -

Be very careful! Non-forking family trees can be the sign of something much more serious, namely, redneckitis. Telltale warning signs include:

Your richest relative buys a new house, and you have to help take the wheels off of it. Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them. You weigh four pounds more after you find your keys. You think Virginia Slims is a new brand of condoms. Your boxer shorts bear the slogan of any fast food restaurant. The reindeer on your lawn at Christmas are pulling a '57 ford. The '57 Ford is on cement blocks instead of wheels. Your daddy is also your favorite uncle. Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it. You think Country and Western are the two kinds of Music. Your 'watch-dogs' are geese. You thinks rabbits are food, not pets. You drive down the highway with dogs in the back of your pickup. Your favorite hangout is the Phillips 66 near the freeway. You roll your own cigarettes. You mow your lawn with a tractor. Have had lovemaking interrupted by a cow sticking it's head in the car window. Your truck is taller than your house. You don't like those 'newfangled' people. You take your friends outside to watch the rabbits breed. You share your beer with the dog. You eat 'chitlins', 'grits', or frank-and-beans frequently. You think the remote control is your kid brother. You taught your dog to retrieve beers from the fridge You've ever used lard in bed. You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre. There is a stuffed possum mounted any where in your home. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State trooper to "kiss my A*s". The primary color of your car is "Bondo". You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones. You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at Graceland. You consider Outdoor Life deep reading. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. The most common phrase you hear at a family reunion is: "What are you looking at sh*thead". You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. You think Campho-phenique is a miracle drug. You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior. Your father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an opening on the lube rack. You think Volvo is a part of the female anatomy. If your idea of foreplay is: "Get in the truck, Bitch!" You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You have a rag for a gas cap. You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding picture taken. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car. Your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does. You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it. After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the window. You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace. You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house. Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else. You have ever BBQUd hamburgers at the driver-in theater. You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum. You own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves. You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the door making sparks. You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. You have ever lost a tooth while opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people. You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. The Red Man Chewing Tobacco Co. sends you a Christmas card. You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work. Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade. You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman. Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive. You call your boss "Dude." You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos." You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church. You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside. You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station. You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds. You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed." Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute. You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly Hillbillies" or "Green Acres." Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife. Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show." Less than half the cars that you own run. You've even been too drunk to fish. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. Your household owns thirty books--and ten of them haven't been colored in yet. Your town protested violently when The Dukes of Hazard was canceled. Your idea of a good law-and-order man is Barney Fife. You actually thought Hogan's Heroes was an accurate portrayal of World War II. Your great-great-great-grandma still lives and is 83 years old.

/martha


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