Date: Sun, 15 Jan 95 14:12:16 CST
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@vanagon.com>
From: Joel Walker <JWALKER@ua1vm.ua.edu>
Subject: Re: Request for info about a bus file
On Sun, 15 Jan 95 Skip Correll asked for it and he's gonna get it:
>Does anyone out there know where I can retrieve a copy of a file called
>"Should you Own A Volkswagen Bus?"
For allllll you new folks to the list:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quiz: Should YOU Own A Volkswagen Bus?
>From time to time, those of us with hopelessly shot old Volkswagen
Buses get The Question. You know what I mean: a co-worker or a friend
or a family member will catch a glimpse of the way the trouble light
gleams on the one good fender of your pride and joy and say,
"Maybe I should get one of these. What are they really like to own?"
To save time and trouble, I've developed a carefully researched quiz
(meaning I've spent most of the afternoon goofing off on this instead
of doing useful work that my boss wants) that will help you in such
times. Keep a supply of these handy -- to order, reply by electronic
mail and please have your Visa card number at the top of the message --
and just pass them out whenever someone sighs, looks at your classic
bus, and says "You know, I always wanted one of those ..."
This quiz will give them the definitive answer to the question of
whether they are the right kind of person to own a Volkswagen bus.
Use a #2 pencil, take your time, and remember, answer truthfully --
the marriage you save may be your own.
1. You climb into the driver's seat of a car you haven't driven
for nearly a week, turn the key, and nothing happens. You:
A. Call AAA and ask that the car be towed directly to the dealer
where you pay to have the charging system fully inspected. The
dealer ends up billing you $470 for the inspection and $110 for
a new battery, and you have to spend an additional $75 at a detail
shop to get the grease stains out of the floor mats.
B. Call AAA and have them jump-start the car, at which point
you buy a new battery for $95 and pay another $30 to have it
installed.
C. Jump-start the car from whatever other vehicle in your
stable is currently running and drive around at high speed
to charge the battery quickly.
D. Crawl underneath it with your screwdriver and cigarette lighter
(or mallet, if you are less mechanically deft) to jar the solenoid
loose.
2. A few weeks later, the car does the same thing, this time on a
new battery. You:
A. Call AAA, have them take the car back to the dealer and talk
loudly about small claims court; this time they charge you $780
to replace the alternator, but because you were so outraged, they
throw in a new pine-tree air freshener and put paper mats on
the carpet (which get wadded up under the brake pedal anyway
and therefore still let the mechanic smear grease on your carpet).
B. Call AAA, have the car jump-started, and take it to the
dealer where you quickly trade it in on a new model before
the problem recurs, at a total cost, including tax, license,
depreciation, interest, and dealer markup, of close to $6000.
C. Realize you have a short-circuit somewhere that's causing
a slow leak, so you buy a battery-terminal cut-off switch and
install it yourself, for a total cost of $4.96 including tax
and a new grease-impregnated felt ring for under the terminal.
D. Rig an extra 10 guage wire to give the solenoid an extra shot
at working while your clothes are still dry (but keep that
screwdriver handy) and start parking on top of that small hill
close to your apartment.
3. Starting to think about selling the car, you dither about what to
get as a replacement, and finally decide on:
A. Another of the same make, because Consumer's Report gave
it their highest overall rating.
B. Another of the same make, because you just read in Car and
Driver that the J.D. Powers index has rated this brand in the top
three on overall customer satisfaction for the past four years.
C. A Volkswagen Bus. I mean, as long as the car's going to have
problems, you might as well have something absolutely useful and
functional and big enough to sleep in, right?
D. Keeping it. Who sells cars? If it's worth money to someone
else, it's worth restoring, or at least parking it out back of the
house until you can get around to working on it.
4. When buying your new car, you make your purchasing decision:
A. By shopping a number of local dealers to find which one has a
free courtesy van and loaner cars while yours is in the shop.
B. By shopping a number of local dealers until you find one that
has the model you like in that wicked opalescent plum, with the
huge lighted vanity mirrors that your spouse likes.
C. Because when you see the car, your arms start shaking and your
knees get weak and you know that if you don't have THAT car, you
will never be able to function as a fulfilled human being.
D. Because you have a spare engine that might fit, and the
floorboards aren't *that* rusty. Besides this one looks
*challenging*.
5. When you have found the car you want to buy, you pay:
A. $50 over factory invoice, and you know it's the factory invoice
because the dealer showed you a computer printout.
B. The dealer's asking price, and you snicker all the way home,
knowing you made a great deal because they gave you *your*
full asking price on the trade in.
C. Every penny you can scrape together, including what you have
in your 401(K) and next month's house payment. I mean, some
things are just more important than others.
D. The tow truck driver an extra $10.00 not to hook up to the
bumper.
6. When you arrive home with your new purchase, you immediately:
A. Spray the interior with Scotchgard so that it won't stain when
the preschooler dumps a McDonald's Happy Meal on it and then
sits on the ketchup smears to keep out of trouble.
B. Put a car cover on it in the garage so that nothing drips on
the paint.
C. Put a clean layer of kitty litter under it so you can see
where the drips under it are coming from.
D. Start explaining to the spouse what a deal it was, as you
vacuum out all the old roaches and stash bags.
7. You know you're an enthusiast, because the first weekend you
own this car, you:
A. Look through the Crutchfield catalog to see what components
you can add to enhance the bass response on the CD-player.
B. Look through the ads in back issues of Road & Track to see
to see what rims will make it look really baaaaad.
C. Look through the ads in the current issues of Hot VWs and VW
Trends to see who is having a sale so you can stock up on the parts
that you expect to fail in the next few months.
D. Start calling junkyards near and far to see who has a spare
left rear taillight lens.
8. When it's time for your first oil change, you:
A. Take it to the dealer -- after all, it's important to have
factory-certified technicians work on your vehicle.
B. Take it to Sears -- after all, it's important to have a
handy local shop to blame if anything goes wrong.
C. Do it yourself, in the garage or carport. Drain the engine,
and refill it with Castrol -- after all, the Porsche racing team
was sponsored by Castrol for all of their famous wins in the
Sixties and Seventies, and Dr. Porsche designed the engines in the
VW Buses, too.
D. Do it yourself, using whatever Autozone has on sale. And while
you're down there, see about those pushrod tube seals and set the
valve clearance, which reminds you to check the exhaust gaskets
(cause it's been a bit loud lately), which makes you notice a hole
in your heater box, but luckily you have some aluminum tape ...
9. When it has to be left overnight for service, you:
A. Take it to the dealer and are ruined by the experience of
driving the loaner car, which is the next most expensive model,
equipped with leather interior, four cup-holders and a 10-CD
jukebox. Driving your old car isn't going to be the same after
you've been in this one.
B. Put it off -- after all, this car's reputation for quality
means you should never have to worry about service, right?
C. Put it off -- after all, the dealer has nothing but morons
and crooks working there, who don't know anything about fixing
buses at all. And the independent mechanics just laugh and make
jokes about your sanity when you drive up.
D. Car-pool with your spouse/neighbor for the next three weeks
while you wait for the new cylinder heads in the mail, cause the
old ones got really damaged when you used that air impact wrench
to put in those new sparkplugs, cause it was much faster, and you
did that so you would have time to fix that heater box and you
can replace that after the car is back on the road as long as you
don't run the heater till then...
10. A somewhat irresponsible family member asks to borrow
your car. You:
A. Are a little nervous, but know that at least the car's advanced
safety features will protect the driver even in the case of an
accident. That way you can savor the pleasure of the kill yourself.
B. Suddenly remember that you've entered the Atascadero
Porcupine Grooming Contest that weekend and that you need
the car to bring along your quill-removal gear.
C. Spend half an hour explaining the Ying and Yang of Bus Driving,
the philosophy of Belligerent Defensive Driving with No Crash
Protection, how your butt drops out from under you during panic
stops, how it only SEEMS like you are going to tip over as you
go around corners, and how you really don't think it's a good idea
for people who have never driven a Bus to start now, because of
the current political situation downtown and the alignment of
Jupiter with Mars.
D. Spend half an hour going over the details, like how to start
the car on the first three tries (using the switch that feeds the
that extra 10 gauge wire), how to keep it running without stalling
until it warms up, and how the headlight switch operates the
backup lights, the bass button on the radio works the parking
lights and the heater fan, the rear defroster switch works the
high beams, and of course, the heater box that is still broken even
after you changed the spark plugs so be sure to bring a jacket and
a towel to wip the condensation off the inside of the windshield.
Oh, and don't forget NOT to push in the cigarette lighter.
You don't want to know what happens if you do that.
YOUR SCORE
If you answered A to more than five questions, you should own a new
European Luxury Sports Car. Rush right out and buy one. Now. The
manufacturer doesn't matter much, as long as it is German, Italian,
British, or Swedish. Don't buy French makes; their names are hard to
pronounce and they are not spelled correctly. And they are not very
fashionable right now. Be sure to get one with a large model number,
like 500, 850, 928, or 9000 (stay away from small model numbers like
80, 280, 320 ... small numbers indicate small minds, and get no respect
from dealer service personnel). Front-wheel drive is the current vogue
and will therefore make you and your car much more unique and more
fashionable. Be sure to ask the dealer salesperson about what all those
letters and numbers on the tires mean; after all, it is the job of the
salesperson to be completely informed on every technical aspect of your
car, right?
If you answered B to more than five questions, you should own a
Japanese car. Any kind, basically; they're pretty much inter-
changeable, as long as somewhere in the model designation there's
a two-letter code with at least one X in it. That's the important thing.
If you answered C to more than five questions, you may actually already
be far enough gone round the bend to own a Volksagen Bus. To determine
which generation Bus you should choose, look at the answers you gave
which were NOT C:
If you answered mostly A to the other questions, you should get a
Eurovan.
If you answered mostly B to the other questions, you should get a
Vanagon, preferably a water-cooled model.
If you answered mostly D to the other questions, you should get an
air-cooled Vanagon.
If you answered D to more than five questions, not only do you qualify
to own a Volkswagen Bus, but you are exactly the type who NEEDS one,
especially the very old Split-Window Microbus or perhaps a Bread-Loaf
Bay-Window Bus. To decide for certain, put a half-pound of crushed ice
in your shorts, make a slurry of beach sand and pea-gravel with used
motor oil and grind it into your scalp, and stand out in the rain
overnight, smiling like an idiot ... because you know that Suffering
Builds Character. If you manage that, you're in the club!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
shamelessly stolen from
Scott Fisher <fisher@avistar.com> on the British Car List
and modified by
Joel Walker <jwalker@ua1vm.ua.edu>
with editorial assistance from
Steve Dolan <dworkin@netcom.com>
Ric Golen <rgolen@umassd.edu>