Date:         Tue, 10 Jan 1995 10:16:54 -0800
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@vanagon.com>
From:         nrubin@s1.csuhayward.edu (martha rubin)
Subject:      Tuesday funnies


OK, I know, I know, it's not Friday, but I thought we could all
use a little car humor anyway.  The following is from Richard Lederer's
book, "Anguished English."  .....well, it "sorta" has to do with cars...


Anyone who has ever had to fill out an insurance report on an auto accident 
knows how tricky it is to summarize the calamity in the small space usually 
allotted.  The following statements are collected from insurance forms in which 
drivers were asked to explain their disasters in the fewest words possible:

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didnUt 
have.

A truck backed through my windshield and into my wifeUs face.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been learning to drive with power steering.  I turned the wheel to what 
I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the 
opposite way.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I reached 
an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision, and I did not see the 
other car.

 The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside.  He then went to rest in a 
bush with just his rear end showing.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big 
mouth.

The telephone pole was approaching fast.  I was attempting to swerve out of 
its way when I struck my front end.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared where no stop 
sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid the 
accident.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and 
headed over the embankment.

The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of times before I hit 
him.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck a pedestrian.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road 
when I struck him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the hood of my 
car.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle.  The 
driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed 
into the other car.

My car was legally parked as I backed into the other vehicle.  

I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a ditch by 
some stray cows.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I 
had fractured by skull.

The accident was entirely due to the road bending.

The accident was due to the other manUs narrowly missing me.

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the 
corner without giving a signal.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the 
other driver had been alert.

She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.

I misjudged a lady crossing the street.

I heard a horn blow and was struck violently in the back.  Evidently a lady 
was trying to pass me.

One wheel went into the ditch.  My foot jumped from brake to accelerator, 
leaped across the road to the other side, and jumped into the trunk of a tree.

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by 
steering it into the other vehicle.

I had been driving for about 40 years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had 
an accident.

A cow wandered into my car.  I was later informed that the unfortunate cow was 
half-witted.

The other man changed his mind, and I had to run into him.

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was 
struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times 
before.

My car sustained no damage whatsoever, and the other car somewhat less.

I was on my way to the doctor with the rear end trouble when my universal 
joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand 
through it.
 
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.