POSSUM IS GOOD FOR YOU (API) Scientists, working in secret for eight months in a secret under- ground facility converted from an Atlas ICBM complex in Lower Peachtree, Alabama, have discovered that a constant diet of turnip greens and possum meat, with a side order of cornbread (no butter), has a significant effect on the human body's levels of cholesterol. Unfortunately, these beneficial results are offset by the increase in bowel and bladder functions, coupled with a sudden lose of control in these functions when country music is heard, and the ensuing costs of Depends and other such apparel. The noxious fumes emitted by such loses can be quite overpowering to bystanders, it was noted. Work continues on reducing the side-effects of the discovery, and state workers are confident that a new domesticated strain of possum can be developed (much like the Butterball turkeys). "We think that possum, not turkey or ham, will be the Meat of Choice for America in the future," said State Commissioner of Agriculture, Finus Aghast, whose office funded the research.
STATE WORKERS LAID OFF (UP) In a sad ceremony today, State Highway Commissioner Bubba Berkowicz announced the termination of 45 state highway workers, saying that their jobs could no longer be justified. The sudden lay-off was due to the miraculous and, as yet, unexplained disappearance of "road-kill" from the highways and by-ways of Alabama for nearly a year. "It's ah missterry to us heah," said the Commissioner. Other state officials were equally baffled, but able to use better grammar. They reported that no "road-kill" had been found on the sides of highways, or even city streets, for the last eight months. "Not even a squashed armadillo," said Sub-Commissioner Roscoe P. G. T. Beauregard, in a telephone interview. "At first, we suspected McDonalds and those kinds of folks", he said, "But our investigation turned up no connection." In the meantime, those workers laid off will receive state benefits for the maximum time allowed by law, and coupons for free food supplements, now available through the State Agriculture Commisioner's office, for at least eight months after their termination.
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