Date:         Sat, 01 Apr 95 10:27:31 CST
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@vanagon.com>
From:         Joel Walker <JWALKER@ua1vm.ua.edu>
Subject:      All the News that Fits, We Print ...


POSSUM IS GOOD FOR YOU

(API) Scientists, working in secret for eight months in a secret under-
ground facility converted from an Atlas ICBM complex in Lower Peachtree,
Alabama, have discovered that a constant diet of turnip greens and
possum meat, with a side order of cornbread (no butter), has a
significant effect on the human body's levels of cholesterol.

Unfortunately, these beneficial results are offset by the increase in
bowel and bladder functions, coupled with a sudden lose of control in
these functions when country music is heard, and the ensuing costs of
Depends and other such apparel. The noxious fumes emitted by such
loses can be quite overpowering to bystanders, it was noted.

Work continues on reducing the side-effects of the discovery, and
state workers are confident that a new domesticated strain of possum
can be developed (much like the Butterball turkeys). "We think that
possum, not turkey or ham, will be the Meat of Choice for America in
the future," said State Commissioner of Agriculture, Finus Aghast,
whose office funded the research.


STATE WORKERS LAID OFF
(UP) In a sad ceremony today, State Highway Commissioner Bubba Berkowicz
announced the termination of 45 state highway workers, saying that their
jobs could no longer be justified. The sudden lay-off was due to the
miraculous and, as yet, unexplained disappearance of "road-kill" from
the highways and by-ways of Alabama for nearly a year.

"It's ah missterry to us heah," said the Commissioner. Other state
officials were equally baffled, but able to use better grammar. They
reported that no "road-kill" had been found on the sides of highways,
or even city streets, for the last eight months. "Not even a squashed
armadillo," said Sub-Commissioner Roscoe P. G. T. Beauregard, in a
telephone interview. "At first, we suspected McDonalds and those kinds
of folks", he said, "But our investigation turned up no connection."

In the meantime, those workers laid off will receive state benefits for
the maximum time allowed by law, and coupons for free food supplements,
now available through the State Agriculture Commisioner's office, for at
least eight months after their termination.