Date: Thu, 27 Apr 1995 14:36:23 -0700 (PDT)
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@vanagon.com>
From: "Thom Fitzpatrick" <thom@tim.com>
Subject: Re: Thom: Bye for Now
So Skip Correll 615-757-5508 sez:
>
> Thom: (If you can still get this)
>
> Your boss is an ass. So much for the obvious.
>
> Now what do I do for those nifty "thought for the day" type
> announcements? I got a lot of them, especially the funniest
> ones, from you. Many of my students will be in mourning.
>
> Peace good friend,
> Skip Correll
Skip,
This should hold you over:
THom
If a tree falls in the forest, and it hits a lawyer, does anyone care?
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
Hi! I'm a .sig virus! Add me to your .sig and join the fun!
I was born at night, but it wasn't _last_ night!
I may be dumb, but I'm not _stupid_!
This space was intentionally left blank.
I haven't lost my mind... Its backed up on tape somewhere!
Marriage isn't a word... Its a _sentence_!
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
A low yield nuclear weapon is like being a little bit pregnant.
Television is like a steak. A medium rarely well done.
Reality: an escape for people who can't handle drugs.
Yes, you do have a bad side. You are also spherical.
Work is for people who don't know how to surf.
My mind is like a sponge... That needs to be wrung out!
Life is like a box of chocolates - You never know when you'll run into a nut!
Dyslexics of the World Untie!
Sterility is heriditary; If your parents didn't have kids, neither will you!
Assassins do it on a grassy knoll.
If a tree falls in the forest, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
Hmmmm... This tuna just doesn't taste the same without the dolphin.
In god we trust. All others we polygraph.
Only if you survive, do you realize how many really stupid things you did.
Be healthy, loved and wealthy, and whatever you do, don't go looking for the ship's cat
Statistics are used like a drunk uses lampposts; for support rather than illumination.
Is _your_ church BATF approved?
Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.
I really wish I had something witty to say. Oh well.
"I am not a crook!" Nixon said resignedly.
I am torn by conflicting apathies.
If at first you don't succeed, try second or shortstop.
I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right.
There are two ways to write error free programs. Only the third one works.
Betting on a horse is not a stable investment.
If at first you don't succeed, forget skydiving!
The object of flying is to aim at the ground and miss.
I'll never forget my amnesia.
Women don't live forever, so why give them diamonds?
If I don't have some insanity soon, I'll go mad!
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
Salesman: A guy who can convince his wife she'd look fat in a mink.
Epitah: Postponed compliment.
Government Inertia Axiom: Consistency is easier to defend than correctness.
It far easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Real programs don't eat cache.
Insanity: Its not just a plea, its a way of life.
If seagulls fly over seas, what flies over bays?
Support capitol punishment: punish everyone in the Capitol!
You can't get to the information highway until you shovel off the information driveway.
Friends don't let friends use DOS.
Friends don't let friends use ADA.
Women: You can't live with them and they can't pee standing up.
Someday, everyone who has seen this .sig will be dead.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
A life is fine but it interferes with my job...
I'm not wearing any pants, and I VOTE!
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
I love my country but I fear my government.
Lottery: An excise tax on stupidity.
Making government work is easy, the trick is getting it to stop.
The angle of dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat.
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have so many branches?
Confuse someone: Drive on a Driveway and Park on a Parkway.
Uh, Sir, Does your family tree have any branches ?
I Swear to God I'm an Athiest!
OS/2 virus scan ... Windows found on the system, delete? (Y/y)
Join the army, travel to exotic places, meet fascinating people, and kill them.
Support whirled peas.
Drive carefully: 90% of people are caused by accidents.
My kid can beat up your honor student.
Bureaucracy: the process of converting energy into solid waste.
Too bad ignorance isn't painful.
Nuke unborn gay whales on dope.
Don't blame me - I voted for Willie Nelson.
Humpty dumpty was pushed.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, took the dog.
Virginity is curable.
Drop til you dance.
Doo doo occurs.
I do whatever my rice krispies tell me to.
It's not how you pick you nose, its where you put the boogers.
I used to be uncertain, but now I'm not sure.
The moral majority is neither.
What if Kuwait's chief export were broccoli?
Nice computers don't go down....
Death penalty: the ultimate form of recycling.
If you can read this, you are in phaser range.
Support your local bloodhound: get lost.
Illiterate? write to this address for free help.
Eat right, exercise, and die anyway.
Any day above ground is a good day.
I'd rather be a Giant's fan than an Athletic supporter.
Control your local stork.
Never stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide directions.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.
I tried to contain myself, but i escaped.
Stamp out crime. Abolish the IRS.
Dare to keep the CIA off drugs.
Happiness is your mother-in-law's picture on the back of a milk carton.
Not all men are fools. Some men are bachelors.
Black holes suck.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
My kid can beat up your honor student.
Keep reincarnation safe and legal.
Millie for first lady; Tipper for first dog.
You know what this is... You know what to do.
Join the club of the redundancy club.
Help! I am having an out-of-money experience.
Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?.
Can you get amnesia and deja vu at the same time?
If you lived in cyberspace, you'd be home by now.
If you have to ask, RTFM!
This space reserved for a really witty one-liner.
When I die, I want to go peacefully, like Gramps did. In his sleep. Not yelling and screaming, like the people in his car.
A mime is a wonderful thing to waste.
I am Pentium of Borg! Division is futile! Prepare to be approximated.
You've been programming too much when you misdate a check, and add a "++" to fix it.
Only entropy comes easy.
Two major products come out of Berkely: LSD and BSD. This is not a coincidence.
For free tech support, call 1-900-666-RTFM
Opinions are just that - obviously.
Opinions expressed here were brought to earth by ancient astronauts.
This message printed on 100% recycled electrons.
If you remember the 60's, you weren't a part of them.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
In theory, communism works. In THEORY.
When declaring your major, remember this simple equation: MBA=BMW.
Be all that you can be at McDonald's today.
If you want to shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
At a nudist wedding, you can see who the best man REALLY is.
The one who dies with the most frequent flier miles wins.
If at first you don't succeed, try second or shortstop.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't
If you're going to reboot the universe, do it with the shift key held down this time.
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
You can lead a gift horse to water but you can't look him in the mouth.
He who laughs last didn't catch the joke.
In god we trust. All others pay cash.
Figures don't lie. But Liars figure.
There are only two things that are useless to a pilot: Altitude above you and Runway behind you.
Bankers are just like anybody else, except richer.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
Use it up, wear it out; Make it do, or do without.
When angry, count four; when VERY angry, swear.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Be good and you will be lonesome.
It is easier to stay out than to get out.
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
Be careful that you don't become roadkill on the information highway.
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
Familiarity breeds contempt ... and children.
There are three faithful friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
Lost time is never found again.
Nothing endures but change.
Any disclaimer issued by me is subject to change without notice.
Government Inertia Axiom: Consistency is easier to defend than correctness.
Incredible as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A mime is a terrible thing to waste... but it's still a fun way to spend the afternoon and a fine use of an Uzi
A Bus Station is where the bus stops, A Train Station is where the train stops, And on my desk I have a WorkStation ...
Don't eat yellow snow.
If you mix gold, silver, and mercury in the proper proportions, you'll be wasting a lot of money.
He who laughs last didn't understand the joke.
I've abandoned my search for truth, & am now looking for a good fantasy.
Life without boredom is boring.
Bandwidthwastingly yours.
Eventually people realized that the Information Superhighway was essentially CB radio, but with more typing.
When you have nothing to contribute, please do so.
Under the Freedom of Information act, I wrote to the FBI to ask if they had a file on me. They wrote back, "We do now."
I don't think much, therefore I might not be.
I exist only in this virtual cyberspace (I type; therefore I am)
Hmmmm... This tuna just doesn't taste the same without the dolphin.
Women: You can't live with them and they can't pee standing up.
I am, therefore I think.
I think I am, therefore I am, I think.
Making government work is easy, the trick is getting it to stop.
The angle of dangle is directly proportinal to the heat of the meat.
We shall all hang together, or we shall all hang separately
As soon as a someone comes to fix it, it works.
I'm at a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have so many branches?
Support whirled peas.
Join RDAMS -- Mother's Against Dyslexia
Never ascribe to senility what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Bandwidth exists to be wasted
I tried to contain myself, but I escaped
I was working on a self-portrait, but I had to stop because I'd painted myself in a corner.
No Matter Where You Go, There You Are
The problem with the gene pool is lack of life guards
Please don't play with my mind. The last person that did lost a couple pieces.
90% of all statistics are made up
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Save the Iambic Pentameter!
HELP! I am having an out of money experience.
HONK If you love peace and quiet.
If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.
Grant me the serenity to accept what I can't change, the strength to change what I can, and the firepower to enforce my decisions.
Talk is cheap because the supply is greater than the demand.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called shipment but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. ***
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? ***
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out. ***
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<-------- The information went data way -------->
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
A day without sunshine is like night.
All the easy problems have been solved.
Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty and the pig likes it!
War doesn't determine who's right; war determines who's left.
Never raise your hand to an angry child, it leaves your groin exposed.
If you drive like hell you're bound to get there.
Alex Haley was adopted.
"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Elevators smell different to midgets
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
Seminars, n.: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
God is real, unless declared integer.
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.
REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe......
..... REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe
Press Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue...
REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?
USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding!
Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
.signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Yn]
Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
Spellchecker not found. Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...
A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?
A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?
A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door
Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.
Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory.
APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus : Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus : Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus : Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus : Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus : Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus : Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus : Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Madonna virus : If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
Mario Cuomo virus : It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
New World Order virus : probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus : Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Paul Revere virus : This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus : Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right To Life virus : Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot virus : Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus : Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus: splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common? Access time.
What do Unix sysadmins do when they're horny? Mount a filesystem.
I heard that Bill Gates's wedding night will be less than blissful for his new bride. She will find out why his company is named Microsoft.
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - Don Knuth
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
I bet the human brain is a kludge.
If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem.
Swap read error. You lose your mind.
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
This screen intentionally left blank.
You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version.
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUO's, and a warm place to SHIFT.
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
CCCP:> format CCCP: /u
All computers run at the same speed...with the power off.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
Another megabytes the dust.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do.
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
APL is a write-only language.
Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - Tom Lehrer
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein
Brain fried; core dumped.
Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.
Disc space, the final frontier!
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
E Pluribus UNIX.
Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX.
Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.
fortune: No such file or directory
Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N)
How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...
How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
I am the computer your mother warned you about.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
I smell a wumpus.
If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
My computer NEVER cras
If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". - Kernighan
If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday.
LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.
Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton
Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater.
Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor
Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt
No line available at 300 baud.
No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
Old mail has arrived.
Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
One man's constant is another man's variable.
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K words.
Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.
People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. - Jon Bentley
Portable: Survives system reboot.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Programming is an unnatural act.
Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat.
Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round.
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
Backups? We don't *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
Software is to computers as yeast is to dough.
Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.
Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.
System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on.
The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt.
The steady state of disks is full. - Ken Thompson
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
There must be more to life than compile-and-go.
grep..grep..grep.. (frog with UNIX stuck in it's throat.
This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88.
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
Those who can't write, write help files.
Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities.
What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?".
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
You can't make a program without broken egos.
You depend too much on computers for information.
[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parenthises]
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous.
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You have junk mail.
You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
You might have mail.
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
Your fault, core dumped.
Your password is pitifully obvious.
[Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. -
It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them.
A low level language is one whose programs require attention to the irrelevant.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author.
Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation.
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.
All you need to know is the user interface. - J. Redford
An algorithm must be seen to be believed. - D. E. Knuth
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).
Avoid unnecessary branches.
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
Choose variable names that will not be confused.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do.
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
Don't document the program; program the document.
Every bug you find is the last one.
Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - Schryer
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
Machine independent code isn't.
Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - Steinbach
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. - Jackson
Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine.
The best packed information most resembles random noise.
The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. (6/72)
There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated.
When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.
The only thing good about "standards" in computer science is that there are so many to choose from.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI.
If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...
Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India.
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
Terminal glare: A look that kills...
Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes...
ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII...
Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2
"!sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW"
"E=Mc^5...nahhh...E=Mc^4...nahh...E=Mc^3...ah, the hell with it."
"Today's subliminal thought is:"
Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator.
'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.'
...now touch these wires to your tongue!
Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
-= computer one-liners =-= 321 =-----------------------------------------------
LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware.
C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
Was that your wife I saw in that GIF?
I used to have a life, then I got v32bis!
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a FAX? ...About 85% of a GIF.
-= computer one-liners =-= 331 =-----------------------------------------------
It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant
I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines in
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. - Dykstra
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE
May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.
I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day.
I modem, but they grew back.
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge.
CCITT - Can't Conceive Inteleget Thoughts Today
Do you like me for my brain or my baud?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Memory dump: Amnesia...
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds...
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation...
WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...
29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast.
SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel.
This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene.
I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echos.
>From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*
Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)
--
> The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2
............................................................................
: Thom Fitzpatrick Transamerica Info Mgmnt :
: Systems Administrator 1860 Howe Ave :
: tfitzpatrick@tim.com Sacramento, CA 95825 :
: fax (916) 921-6781 (916) 565-3346 :
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