Date: Wed, 18 Oct 1995 10:04:07 MST
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@vanagon.com>
From: "Mike White" <MIKE.WHITE@law.utah.edu>
Subject: A little [W]ednesday humor to brighten your week!
I found this over on the Audi list, and thought it would be
appropriate for any list members who even dare drive their
busses/vanagon's in the fast lane. (Eurovan drivers don't need to
worry about this):
DAVE BARRY: "Cars and Nuclear Weapons"
[From Dave Barry's book _Greatest Hits_]
I think its getting worse. I'm talking about this habit people have of
driving on interstate highways on the left, or "passing" lane, despite the
fact that they aren't passing anybody. You used to see this mainly in a few
abnormal areas, particularly Miami, where it is customary for everyone to
drive according to the laws of his or her own country of origin. But now
you see it everywhere: drivers who are not passing, who have clearly
never passed anybody in their entire lives, squatting in the left
lane, little globules of fat clogging up the transportation arteries
of our very nation. For some reason, a high percentage of them wear
hats.
I'm proposing a solution to this problem: nuclear weapons. Specifically,
I'm thinking of atomic land torpedoes, which would be mounted on the
front bumpers of cars operated by drivers who have demonstrated that
they have the maturity and judgement necessary to handle tactical
nuclear weapons in a traffic environment. I would be one of those
drivers.
Here is how I would handle a standard left lane blockage problem: I would
get behind the driver and flash my lights. If that failed, I'd honk
my horn until the driver looked in his rear view mirror and saw me
making helpful, suggestive hand motions indicating that he is in the
passing lane, and if he wants to drive at 55, he should do it in a
more appropriate place, such as the waiting room of a dental office.
If that failed, I'd sound the warning siren, which would go, and I
quote, "WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP!" Only if all of these measures
failed would I proceed to the final step, total vaporization of the
car (unless, of course, there was a BABY ON BOARD).
Just a thought for a Kinder, Gentler nation with a lot of nuke power to
spare...
End quote.
Anyhow, on that note, I did drive the '57 to work/school yesterday
(about an hour trip), and it's the first time the Pioneer has been so
far away from home (other than a Moab trip). Anyhow, I'm on my way
home from work on I-15 going out of Salt Lake Valley over a big hill.
The freeway is narrowed to two lanes on the ascending part of the
hill due to reconstruction of the freeway.
In the right lane is Mr. Semi doing 35MPH. Never mind that he
_COULD_ have taken the frontage road (for those unfimuiliar with
these, our freeways out here in urban areas have two roads on either
side for truckers, farmers, grandmas, etc. who can't do the 45MPH
minimum speed limit on the interstate), but he's a trucker and dammit
he can do what he wants.
So I'm in the bus pulling 55 up the hill (the tune-up worked!), and
here is this guy literally making the freeway a one lane road. So I
get in the middle along with normal traffic and procede to pass. As
I'm doing so, the hill steepens and I'm probably doing 50. Well Mr.
"I can go fast in my 1975 Japaneese station wagon" is right on my
tail. As I always do, I signal right indicating that I am going to
get over in the slow lane as soon as I am around the trucker.
But OH NO. Mr Station wagon, AS I AM CHANGING LANES cuts to the
right and starts to try to pass me. So I swerve left. Look out the
side and glare. He gets cut off by another slow moving vehicle, and
gets behind me again.
Well the second time around he wises up and doesn't try to pass me on
the right. I pull over, and give him the old "why do you think you
are bad when your car is an absolute pile of junk/pull your head out"
look. He quickly looks away and speeds off.
So much for taking the Pioneer to Salt Lake. I'll try again on
Friday!
- Mike White
[Mail: mike.white@law.utah.edu - mwhite@eng.utah.edu]
Visit my '57 23-Window VW BUS at: [http://fpc99.law.utah.edu/]