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Date:         Wed, 18 Oct 1995 10:04:07 MST
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@vanagon.com>
From:         "Mike White" <MIKE.WHITE@law.utah.edu>
Subject:      A little [W]ednesday humor to brighten your week!

I found this over on the Audi list, and thought it would be appropriate for any list members who even dare drive their busses/vanagon's in the fast lane. (Eurovan drivers don't need to worry about this):

DAVE BARRY: "Cars and Nuclear Weapons" [From Dave Barry's book _Greatest Hits_]

I think its getting worse. I'm talking about this habit people have of driving on interstate highways on the left, or "passing" lane, despite the fact that they aren't passing anybody. You used to see this mainly in a few abnormal areas, particularly Miami, where it is customary for everyone to drive according to the laws of his or her own country of origin. But now you see it everywhere: drivers who are not passing, who have clearly never passed anybody in their entire lives, squatting in the left lane, little globules of fat clogging up the transportation arteries of our very nation. For some reason, a high percentage of them wear hats.

I'm proposing a solution to this problem: nuclear weapons. Specifically, I'm thinking of atomic land torpedoes, which would be mounted on the front bumpers of cars operated by drivers who have demonstrated that they have the maturity and judgement necessary to handle tactical nuclear weapons in a traffic environment. I would be one of those drivers.

Here is how I would handle a standard left lane blockage problem: I would get behind the driver and flash my lights. If that failed, I'd honk my horn until the driver looked in his rear view mirror and saw me making helpful, suggestive hand motions indicating that he is in the passing lane, and if he wants to drive at 55, he should do it in a more appropriate place, such as the waiting room of a dental office. If that failed, I'd sound the warning siren, which would go, and I quote, "WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP!" Only if all of these measures failed would I proceed to the final step, total vaporization of the car (unless, of course, there was a BABY ON BOARD).

Just a thought for a Kinder, Gentler nation with a lot of nuke power to spare...

End quote.

Anyhow, on that note, I did drive the '57 to work/school yesterday (about an hour trip), and it's the first time the Pioneer has been so far away from home (other than a Moab trip). Anyhow, I'm on my way home from work on I-15 going out of Salt Lake Valley over a big hill. The freeway is narrowed to two lanes on the ascending part of the hill due to reconstruction of the freeway.

In the right lane is Mr. Semi doing 35MPH. Never mind that he _COULD_ have taken the frontage road (for those unfimuiliar with these, our freeways out here in urban areas have two roads on either side for truckers, farmers, grandmas, etc. who can't do the 45MPH minimum speed limit on the interstate), but he's a trucker and dammit he can do what he wants.

So I'm in the bus pulling 55 up the hill (the tune-up worked!), and here is this guy literally making the freeway a one lane road. So I get in the middle along with normal traffic and procede to pass. As I'm doing so, the hill steepens and I'm probably doing 50. Well Mr. "I can go fast in my 1975 Japaneese station wagon" is right on my tail. As I always do, I signal right indicating that I am going to get over in the slow lane as soon as I am around the trucker.

But OH NO. Mr Station wagon, AS I AM CHANGING LANES cuts to the right and starts to try to pass me. So I swerve left. Look out the side and glare. He gets cut off by another slow moving vehicle, and gets behind me again.

Well the second time around he wises up and doesn't try to pass me on the right. I pull over, and give him the old "why do you think you are bad when your car is an absolute pile of junk/pull your head out" look. He quickly looks away and speeds off.

So much for taking the Pioneer to Salt Lake. I'll try again on Friday!

- Mike White

[Mail: mike.white@law.utah.edu - mwhite@eng.utah.edu] Visit my '57 23-Window VW BUS at: [http://fpc99.law.utah.edu/]


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