Date:         Fri, 1 Mar 96 17:56 CST
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@vanagon.com>
From:         khooper@wsp1.wspice.com (Ken Hooper)
Subject:      His master's voice...


Recent topical fiction by a good friend of mine. Flames to my personal
account so they can be catenated and dumped, please. ;)

>
>His master's voice...
>
>
>A Ramblin' Gamblin' Willie story by Greg Swann
>
>
>I laid down with CNN on, which is simply an engraved invitation to
>weird dreams. I was just going to put my head on the pillow for a
>minute, but you know how that goes: in a blink I was drowsing,
>snoozing. Not conscious, really, but never fully asleep. It's the
>twilit Neverland of fleeting juxtapositions, not entirely a bad place
>for me to be.
>
>And I like watching CNN, for the simple reason that I love the
>contrasts of absurdity. On CNN, the field reporters are so smart and so
>energetic, and the anchormannequins, with the exception of show-horse
>Bernie Shaw, are so stupid and so lazy. I have the idea that CNN
>administers a very easy intelligence test to on-air recruits, and, if
>you fail it, you have to stay in Atlanta and pretend to understand the
>words you see on the TelePrompTer. To compensate, to keep things fair,
>you get unlimited free access to the company tanning beds.
>
>Anyway, the dream wasn't all that interesting at first. It began with
>William Jefferson Clinton, the blow-dried object lesson on the dire
>consequences of casual bastardy, giving a folksy little speech to a
>captive audience of besuited business types.
>
>"I thank you all for coming here," he was saying, "and proving to the
>American people that the era of big government is over. It's
>public-private partnerships like the agreement we've come to today that
>are the path to our future. You good people have given us something
>today we never coulda gotten on our own, and you've handed it over
>voluntarily. Ain't that somethin'!"
>
>Clinton grinned like the cat that got the canary and in the dream the
>dream CNN flashed a picture of the besuited audience members, each of
>whom was holding a gun to his own head and shouting, "You vill do as
>you are told!" That's the weird juxtaposition part, in case you're
>confusing this with the real CNN. On the real CNN, they would have
>flashed a showy graphic and an overtanned moron would have mangled an
>internet address. Try to keep the distinction in mind, because things
>are only going to get weirder.
>
>"Now," said Clinton, "when our children see violence on TV, we'll know
>that it's violence initiated and directed by Ms. Reno and Mr. Freeh.
>Not the random, senseless violence of entertainment, but the random,
>senseless violence of the omnipotent state. Not good guys versus bad
>guys. Not even Hollywood's nihilistic vision of bad guys versus bad
>guys. No, from now on, thanks to you, the only violence on television
>will be completely remorseless assassins versus unarmed women and
>children, for days and months on end. Ain't that somethin'!"
>
>Clinton paused to let the wonder of it all sink in. "And now, when our
>children see or hear about sex on television, we'll have the solace of
>knowing that the people involved are of Cabinet rank or above. We've
>got to protect our children, and you folks are to be commended for
>realizing that. As my wife says, 'It takes a village to raise a
>child.'"
>
>At those words, the dream CNN flashed an image of an army of
>functionaries, teachers and social workers and guidance counselors in
>blousy oxford shirts and boxy herringbone skirts. Each of the
>functionaries had a single child locked in a half-nelson, and the
>children were intoning in unison, "The era of big government is over.
>The era of big government is over. The era of big government is over."
>
>"I thank you all," said Clinton, "for voluntarily setting the global
>village of electronic communications to the important task of raising
>America's children the way my wife wants them raised. I hope you know
>we never coulda done it without you!"
>
>Clinton shook his head slowly, as if still unable to comprehend his
>good fortune. "We _never_ coulda done it without you. I mean that,
>folks, from the bottom of my heart. Never, never, never! With all of
>the firepower at Ms. Reno's command, we never coulda blasted through
>that danged ol' first amendment. And here you've gone and done it for
>us, all on your own! And Ms. Reno didn't even have to draw her gun, she
>just kinda adjusted her gun-belt a little. Ain't that somethin'!"
>
>Clinton nodded toward the ever-dowdier Janet Reno before continuing.
>"They say Napoleon Bonaparte wished that humanity had one neck, so he
>could chop it off. Don't seem very civilized to me. But I look out
>there and I see fiber optics and I see the merging of cable TV and long
>distance telephone and I see wide-band internet traffic and cellular
>waves and broadcast waves and microwave relays and earth-satellite
>links and on and on and on. And at the center of it all, I see Ms. Reno
>or someone just like her. But she isn't holding a gun and she isn't
>holding Napoleon's axe. No, she's holding a choke-chain, a leash that
>rewards the dogs who know how to cooperate and punishes the ones who
>don't. And that's the _civilized_ way to run a government, don't you
>think?"
>
>And the dream CNN cut away to a shot of the audience, still holding the
>guns to their own heads, and I'll be damned if they weren't nodding and
>smiling and wagging their metaphorical tails. A choke-chain is a small
>price to pay, after all, for a big bowl of crunchy meat by-products.
>
>"The fact of it is," said the blow-dried Bastard-in-Chief, "I like to
>think of America as a big ol' dumb dog, too dumb to know he's being
>ordered around by his own fleas. Now the fleas sure do need that dog,
>can't live without him. But, surer 'n hell, that dog don't need them
>fleas! And it's public-private partnerships like the agreement we've
>come to today that'll keep that ol' dog from catching on. The words
>"censorship" and "voluntary" just don't go together. You can't use 'em
>in the same sentence, no way, no how. And yet, here we are today with
>an agreement that will bring about the voluntary self-censorship of the
>entire communications industry!"
>
>And William Jefferson Clinton smiled the folksy, down-home smile of
>naked, ruthless evil. "Ain't... that... _somethin!"_
>_____________________________________________________________________________
>
>gswann@primenet.com
>http://www.primenet.com/~gswann (last updated 2/29/95)
>70640.1574@compuserve.com
>
>Permission is explicitly granted to repost/republish unmodified.
>
>                 We are what we do, not what we say we do...
>                                                - Janio Valenta
>_____________________________________________________________________________
>