Date:         Sat, 22 Mar 1997 02:10:43 -0800 (PST)
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@vanagon.com>
From:         Arnold Schultz <aschultz@smartt.com>
Subject:      


          ***** ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST *****

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.
The word "engineer" is greatly overused.  If there's somebody in your
life who you think is trying to pose as an engineer, give him this
test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You...    A. Straighten it.
          B. Ignore it.
          C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a
          solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating 
          aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who 
writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole 
stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. 
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social
interaction:

     *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
     *Important social contacts
     *A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for 
social interactions:

      *Get it over with as soon as possible.
      *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
      *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two
categories:
      (1) things that need to be fixed, and
      (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes 
          to play with them.  

Engineers like to solve problems.  If there are no problems handily
available, they will create their own problems.  Normal people don't
understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't
fix it.  Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering
what it would take to turn it into a stun gun.  No engineer can take a
shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make
showering unnecessary.  To the engineer, the world is a toy box full
of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE 
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied.  Anything
else is a waste.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers.  A normal person will employ
various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression
of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
function.  Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole.  They are
widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent,
dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house.  

While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an
engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with
them, thus producing engineer like children who will have high-paying
jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their
peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming
irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid-thirties to late
forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in
technical professions:
     *  Bill Gates       * Larry Wall      * Linus Torvalds
     *  MacGyver         * Larry Ellison   * Marc Andreasson
     *  Steve Jobs       * Scott McNealy   * Jim Clark

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that 
way for the duration.

HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships.  That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away
from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle
the truth.  Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work.  They
say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody
could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies
is listed below:

     "I won't change anything without asking you first."
     "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
     "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
     "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal.  This is not because of cheapness or mean
spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in
optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the 
greatest amount of cash?"

RISK
Engineers hate risk.  They try to eliminate it whenever they can.
This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little
mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
      *   Hindenberg.
      *   Space Shuttle Challenger.
      *   SPANet(tm)
      *   Hubble space telescope.
      *   Apollo 13.
      *   Titanic.
      *   Ford Pinto.
      *   Corvair.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards
and decide that risk is not a good thing.  The best way to avoid risk is by 
advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are 
far too complicated to explain.  If that approach is not sufficient to halt 
the project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: 
"It's technically possible, but it will cost too much."

EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
     *   How smart they are.
     *   How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare
that the problem is unsolvable.  No engineer can walk away from an
unsolvable problem until it's solved.  No illness or distraction
is sufficient to get the engineer off the case.  These types of
challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer
and the laws of nature.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill.  Normal people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer.  When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means
it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance
at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something
along these lines:

 "I'll ask Bob to figure it out.  He knows how to solve difficult
  technical problems."  

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand
between the engineer and the problem.  The engineer will set upon the
problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

---



<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>
   Arnold Schultz      Richmond    British Columbia    Canada 
       VE7CZI               aschultz@smartt.com