Date: Fri, 9 Oct 1998 15:45:48 +0000
Reply-To: tonyd <tonyd@CANDESA.COM>
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From: tonyd <tonyd@CANDESA.COM>
Organization: candesa
Subject: Friday Fun
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The 1998 Darwin Awards!
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin
Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the universal
human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most
extraordinarily stupid way.
As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates
appear to have trained their whole lives for this event.
The Darwin Awards Nominees
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
200-foot high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had
been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels,
trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but
could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was
pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he
fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in
his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as
he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23 who
was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest
Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,
Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in
the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
8. Ineligible, but credit given for trying AUGUSTA, ME - Four people
were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was
admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was
diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms
and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's
first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.
Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and,
in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm
still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the
car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been
for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost
control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the
Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was
cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building
made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock,
he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound
was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
9. Ineligible, better luck next year! TAOS, NM - A woman went to a
poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts.
Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she
believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly
thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions.
Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum,
being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she
realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill
with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a
few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her
mouth, throat, and stomach with no ill effects.
Ineligible, but a strong contender for 99
10. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and a least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 a.m.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the
railing. Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at
the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water
and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham,
"is that God was watching out for me on that night."
There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never
located.
11. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a
robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact
that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally
stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns
in public places;
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car
parked at the front door;
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be
robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a
clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several
other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was
hurt.
12. In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided
to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose
around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He
drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot
himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol.
The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him.
Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden
dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was
dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman, and was taken to hospital,
where he died - of hypothermia.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
(1) In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing
his skull.
(2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.
(3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see
what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window
was closed.
(4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual
festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This
year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including
one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's
just one bull against a town of a thousand Morons."
AND THE WINNER IS
Japan Times -- April 16, 1997
"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'",
a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this
perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's
manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai
Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most
'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the
nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a
momentary high. This act is a sin against God."
It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. He started
using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough
for him, so he boasted to friends that he was going to try the
compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station.
They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not
realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into
his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died
virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock. One woman
thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started
clapping.
"We still haven't located all of him", say the police authorities.
"When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he
nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."
"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,"
Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide
your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed Darwin
Award recipient!
