Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 00:57:22 -0600
Reply-To: Joel Walker <jwalker@TUSC.NET>
Sender: Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@vanagon.com>
From: Joel Walker <jwalker@TUSC.NET>
Subject: Re: more southern humor
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Cameron Hunziker wrote:
> 36 Things You'll Never Hear in the South
i dunno about the rest of the Southerners on the list, but i
personally, being from the Great State of Alabama, take some
offense at this!!!! we do, too, say things like that!!! a point
by point retort:
> >>>> >1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
Shakespeare is a very fine maker of fishing rods, and MANY times
special models have sold for $1000 or more. i don't know who that
Alex fellow is, but if
he knows anything about fishing, he'll know Shakespeare!! (not
the same folks what makes them CB radio antennas, by the way).
> >>>> >2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
i have heard this MANY times in the Emergency Room at the local
hospital!!
> >>>> >3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken,"
well, hell, NObody drinks beer that comes in a GREEN bottle!!!
how can you tell if it's SPOILED??!!! sheesh!
> >>>> >4. "We don't keep firearms in this house,"
depends on which house you're talking about: the main house, or
the little house out behind the big house. :)
> >>>> >5. "You can't feed that to the dog,"
contrary to popular Yankee belief, we Sutherners love our dogs,
and will NOT feed them just anything. besides, dogs are smart.
they won't eat most of the stuff served by some of the fast food
restaurants or high school cafeterias.
> >>>> >6. "I thought Graceland was tacky,"
again, contrary to a viscious Yankee legend, MOST folks in the
South have NOT been to Graceland, so they have no idea how tacky
it is.
> >>>> >7. "No kids in the back of the pickup ... it's not safe,"
of course not. most Southerners raise CATTLE or PIGS, not goats!!
sheesh!!
> >>>> >8. "Professional wrasslin's fake,"
that's cause any fool can watch tv, and see that it ain't fake!
it's just as real as C-Span and all them Congress-folks!!
> >>>> >9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
and why would this NOT be heard in the South? Greenpeace Fidelity
Finance and Mobile Homes is a very big company down here. many of
us mail "donations" to them every month.
> >>>> >10. "We're vegetarians,"
oh, foo. i have too heard this. why, only last election, i voted
for THREE of them Vegetarian candidates. cause the Demicrats are
getting too uppy with their stealing.
> >>>> >11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
big hair is nothing to laugh about. it can be helped, if caught
early and treated with the proper medicine. i don't think that's
funny. like saying "do you think my warts are too big"??
> >>>> >12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy,"
well, who eats GRAPEFRUIT for supper!???? of course, nobody says
that. i'll bet none of them Yankees eat grapefruit for SUPPER!!
sheesh!
> >>>> >13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering,"
naturally. we'd say it like this: "Sugar, them bonsai trees could
use some more watering." we just say it a bit different, that's
all.
> >>>> >14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR,"
i've heard this many times. mostly from wives. or as we like to
call them, Winston-Cup widows. :)
> >>>> >15. "Give me the SMALL bag of pork rinds,"
when a man tries to watch his figure, this is all he says at the
Feed Store. only a real glutton says "Fred, gimme that 5-lb bag
of pork rinds. i'm gonna watch me some movies this afternoon!"
> >>>> >16. "Deer heads detract from the decor,"
depends. if you're talking about Graceland, sure. and in a
dentist's office, this WOULD be heard. deer heads do NOT look
attractive when viewed from a horizontal position.
> >>>> >17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit,"
if you can't play the game, hang your head in shame! but i have
heard this said many times ... mostly by city folk, to be sure.
especially those little old ladies who live them Cuban cigars.
> >>>> >18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today,"
usually said in frustration, just after the Saturday afternoon
sale. them Walmart stores usually get cleaned out of plum near
EVERthing. takes til about Wednesday to get it mostly restocked.
> >>>> >19. "Trim the fat off that steak,"
we say this quite often. the part you left off was "and give it
to my dog. he loves that part."
> >>>> >20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso,"
well, of course not. we don't speak anything but English down
here. not many Italians around these parts. a few Mexicans, up
working in Walmart or picking pecans. but that's about it.
> >>>> >21. "The tires on that truck are too big,"
obviously never been around a tire store. this has been said over
and over and over, almost every Saturday. but you've misquoted
it: it should read "The truck on them tires is too big."
> >>>> >22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad,"
like i said, we only speak English down here.
> >>>> >23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk,"
said all the time. we got computers. how do you think i'm writing
this?? we ain't exactly literate, you know!!
> >>>> >24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better,"
MANY of my Southern friends prefer UNsweetened tea!! that way,
they can add the six or seven spoonfuls of sugar themselves. lots
of folks prefer to sweeten their own beverages. it's a personal
thing.
> >>>> >25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
many of us happen to like our catfish broiled. especially if
we're out of ketchup.
it tastes better that way with Heinz 57 sauce.
> >>>> >26. "My fiancé is registered at Tiffany's,"
MANY young brides-to-be have said this. Tiffany's Tanning Saloon
and Barbecue Emporium caters MANY of our finest weddings!
> >>>> >27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl,"
well, of course not! usually there's a Winston Cup race on at the
same time as the Super Bowl!!! who wants to watch some
professional football (i hear it's fake anyway!) when you can
watch NASCAR??
> >>>> >28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini,"
never hear it said? ha! you didn't run into my granny last
summer, did you?
> >>>> >29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
all them southern chinese folks over in Birmingham ask that,
every time they go to Quincey's Steakhouse, where they have that
BIG salad bar.
> >>>> >30. "Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw" that we haven't seen,"
that's because they quit making that show. most of us have the
complete set anyway, so it's not likely we'd be watching reruns.
> >>>> >31. "I don't have a favorite college football team,"
oh, i have, too, heard this! not everybody gets to go to college
down here. some of us like Auburn AND Alabama. sure it makes
family life a bit difficult, but what the heck ... it lets me
watch TWICE as many games on tv!! :)
> >>>> >32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side,"
we sure do say this. a lot! most restaurants do NOT put the salad
dressing on the salad ... you have to get up from your table, go
over to the salad bar (where the bean sprouts are, remember?),
pile the lettuce, beans, tomatoes, potato salad, onions, peppers,
olives, stale-bread-crumbs, cheese on your plate, THEN walk over
to the dressing faucets and pour the dressing on the salad. only
them fancy-smancy high-priced restaurants give you those stupid
little cups of stuff that won't even cover the
stale-bread-crumbs.
> >>>> >33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
MANY times i've said this to my wife, just before giving the
whole pot of beans to the dogs! she can't cook beans worth
nothing! now, she's really good at pork rinds, though.
> >>>> >34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
EVERY time Darla buys me undershorts, i tell her that. she NEVER
gets the right size and they ride up in the crack of my ass.
> >>>> >35. "Elvis who?"
heard at least four or five times a day at the courthouse. with
so many kids named at the Great Mr. Presley, it's hard to know
WHICH Elvis your friends are talking about ... Elvis Smith, or
Elvis Jones, or Elvis who works down at the Sewage Plant.
> >>>> >36. "Checkmate."
we hear this every time we go to that Australian Outback
restaurant. every time the waiter brings the check to the table,
that's what he says!!! with an accent, too!
so don't gimme this "they ain't got no culture down South" stuff.
we have just as much "culture" as anyone else ... it's just
different, that's all!! you have to live here a couple of decades
to appreciate it all. :)
unca joel
from Sweet Home Alabama. :)
