Date:         Tue, 29 Dec 1998 17:49:11 -0800
Reply-To:     Doug Jones <duge4wd@EMAIL.MSN.COM>
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@vanagon.com>
From:         Doug Jones <duge4wd@EMAIL.MSN.COM>
Subject:      Christmas Parties
Comments: To: vanagon@VANAGON.COM

I saw this posted on the aircooled NG, and thought you might enjoy it.

How to gauge the success of your Holiday Party.

Festivity Level One:
Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food,
sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and
stand around the piano singing carols.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are
wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your
Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and
dancing around the piano shouting the words to "I Can't Get No
Satisfaction".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Festivity Level Four:
Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering
around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is
missing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------


Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't
want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party
success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive,
your
job as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on
arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is
an example of how to successfully handle this situation.

Police: "We've come in response to the complaints."
You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"
Police: "No, sir, not drugs."
You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?"
Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."
You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or
drugs here, heh heh."


[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]

You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbours complained, did they?"
Police: "No, sir. The neighbours all fled inland hours ago. The recent
complaints have come from Kansas."


[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols,
roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out
into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble
out, moaning.]

You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."