Date:         Fri, 24 Dec 1999 09:42:46 -0800
Reply-To:     Alistair Bell <albell@UVIC.CA>
Sender:       Vanagon Mailing List <vanagon@gerry.vanagon.com>
From:         Alistair Bell <albell@UVIC.CA>
Subject:      Re-engineering program/F
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"

Merry Christams to all!

Alistair



>
>Santa Downsizes
>
>Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1999
>
>The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
>early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern
>about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
>decisions at
>the North Pole.
>
>Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole
>no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping
>channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share
>and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
>
>The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
>model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from
>Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
>Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no
>discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen
>airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and
>received unfavourable press.
>
>I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be
>disturbed.  Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
>Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier
>leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from
>substance abuse.  Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never
>did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of
>Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known
>to be under executive stress.
>
>As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
>Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
>immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the
>"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
>
>The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to the
>cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
>providing considerable savings in maintenance.
>
>The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
>effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
>condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
>
>The three French hens will remain intact.  After all, everyone loves the
>French.
>
>The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
>with a call waiting option.  An analysis is underway to determine who the
>birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
>
>The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
>Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
>implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
>precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
>appear to be in order.
>
>The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
>afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
>goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
>will be let
>go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure
>management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
>
>The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
>The  function is primarily decorative.  Mechanical swans are on  order.
>The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore
>enhance their outplacement.
>
>As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
>scrutiny  by the EEOC.  A male/female balance in the workforce is being
>sought. The  more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward
>mobility.  Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
>a-mentoring  or a-mulching.
>
>Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
>phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
>steps.
>
>Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense
>of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
>replacing this group with ten out-of-work  congressmen.  While leaping
>ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings  are significant because we
>expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
>
>Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
>band getting too big.  A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on
>new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to
>the bottom line.
>
>We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
>and other expenses.  Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
>deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.  If we can drop  ship in one
>day, service levels will be improved.
>
>Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
>expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
>action is
>pending.
>
>Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
>in the future to stay competitive.  Should that happen, the Board will
>request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven
>dwarfs is  the right number.
>