Volks,
I take no credit =
for this. It was on a joke list that I =
belong to but when I finished wiping away =
the tears I knew I had to send it to all =
of you. :-)
Jim in Iowa
91 Passat Wagon =
Gl
89 Westy
66 Beetle
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Mechanic's Tool Guide
HAMMER: Originally =
employed as a weapon of war, the hammer =
nowadays is
used as a kind of divining =
rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the =
object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S =
KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the =
contents of
cardboard cartons delivered =
to your front door; works particularly
well =
on boxes containing seats and motorcycle =
jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally =
used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their =
holes until you die of old age, but it also =
works great for
drilling mounting holes =
in fenders just above the brake line that =
goes
to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used =
to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One =
of a family of cutting tools built on the =
Ouija board
principle. It transforms human =
energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, =
and the more you attempt to influence its =
course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: =
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing =
else is
available, they can also be used =
to transfer intense welding heat to
the =
palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: =
Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable =
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy =
for igniting
the grease inside a brake =
drum you're trying to get the bearing race
out =
of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for =
working on older British cars and
motorcycles, =
they are now used mainly for impersonating =
that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching =
for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: =
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly =
snatching flat
metal bar stock out of =
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and =
flings your beer across the room, splattering =
it against that
freshly painted part you =
were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust =
off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere =
under the workbench with the speed of light. =
Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned =
guitar callouses in
about the time it =
takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC =
FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle =
to the ground
after you have installed =
your new front disk brake setup, trapping =
the
jack handle firmly under the front =
fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR =
2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle
upward =
off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool =
for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: =
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if =
he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON =
GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as =
a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; =
used mainly for getting dog-doo off your =
boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: =
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and =
is ten times harder than any known drill =
bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument =
for illuminating grease
buildup.
TWO-TON =
HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for =
testing the tensile
strength of ground =
straps and brake lines you may have forgotten =
to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH =
SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying =
tool
that inexplicably has an accurately =
machined screwdriver tip on the
end without =
the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: =
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid =
from a car battery to the inside of your =
toolbox after
determining that your battery =
is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.
AVIATION =
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: =
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes =
called a
drop light, it is a good source =
of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which =
is not otherwise found under motorcycles =
at night. Health
benefits aside, its =
main purpose is to consume 40-watt light =
bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm =
howitzer shells might be used during,
say, =
the first few hours of the Battle of the =
Bulge. More often dark
than light, its =
name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS =
SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids =
of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and =
splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as =
the name implies, to round off Phillips =
screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine =
that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning =
power plant 200 miles away and transforms =
it into
compressed air that travels by =
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench =
that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 =
years ago by someone
in Springfield, and =
rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used =
to crumple the metal surrounding that clip =
or
bracket you needed to remove in order =
to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: =
A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.